the big bad day

This morning, J and I went to the dentist. Neither of us have been in quite a few years, and we made back to back appointments (mostly because I hate the dentist and it comforted me  to know he was going to be there, too.) I had a feeling it was going to be bad, but nowhere close to what it actually is.

I was informed that I have pregnancy gingivitis. Basically because I'm pregnant, my gums are inflamed, which allows plaque to build up between my gums and teeth. Awesome. So that requires a special cleaning. I was also told I need 2, maybe 3 root canals! DAMN! I have a serious fear of needles, to the point that I break out in hives before getting my blood drawn, and I hyperventilate. I have no idea what my options are for local anesthetics, being pregnant, but I am praying I have choices other than getting a giant needle shoved in my mouth. I also need an obscene amount of fillings. My teeth don't look bad, so I didn't expect any of this to come up! I havent been experiencing any pain or sensitivity. I guess I should have been going for annual check ups. J needs to have his wisdom teeth extracted, and needs a couple fillings himself. He also needs an extensive cleaning, above and beyond what they give the ordinary client. The real kicker is that our insurance covers close to nothing in comparison to what the costs are. Our out of pocket cost is close to $8,000 .. something we don't exactly just have lying around, if you know what I mean. I burst into tears in the office. I tend to panic about money in general, but with the baby coming, J losing his shift differential in the summer, and now this, I feel extremely overwhelmed.  My ever calm husband assured me everything was going to be alright and that we would figure everything out, but I could tell even he was nervous about this. He made me promise not to worry about it, and try not to be upset the rest of the day. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Then, this afternoon, I did a bad thing. J made a rule a few weeks ago that I must stop texting while driving. I even had to write out a promise and sign it on a piece of paper. He keeps it in his wallet. Well, I had to go back to the dentist to get a print out of what we needed done and the total costs, since they forgot to give us one before we left. When I got there, I texted J to tell him I was now at the dentist and then was going to get my younger sister and we were going to the gym together. About ten minutes later, I was on my way to my sisters, and J texted me. Pre-occupied, I replied, even though I was driving. I didn't think about it until after I'd sent it, and then I felt like a lead bowling ball had been dropped into my stomach. I haven't told J yet. I don't know how I'm going to. I'm terrified of letting him down, and I feel absolutely STUPID for breaking this rule. I mean, normally, it's something I just don't do, because I'm thinking about it and consciously not doing it. I don't know how I did it, honestly. How difficult is it to say to yourself, I can answer this later ? But it didn't even cross my mind. Plus, the few texts I have gotten from J since have made it pretty clear he's having an awful night at work. I know he's stressed about the dental work, and his coworkers often rub him the wrong way. I don't want to add more of a burden to him today. GAAAAHHHH I just want to scream, and cry.

This day sucks.