struggling.

   I feel terrible being the person that says, "I wish my husband would do this, or I wish he would give me more of that." I know that I am incredibly lucky that my husband has taken this journey with me in the first place, especially given his original reluctance. I should be appreciative and accepting of all my husband is willing to do. (And believe me, I AM.) That being said, sometimes, I just feel like it's not enough. I feel selfish saying so because he works so hard and does everything he can to make me happy and yet sometimes, I look for more. Why is that?
   I dont like asking to be spanked. I dont know why, but it takes away some of the importance of the spanking. I'm not able to completely surrender when I'm asking for it, for some reason. Which then makes me confused because if I ask for it, why should I be resisting the same thing I just clearly stated I wanted. I just wish that he could "sense" when I need to be spanked. I know that there are warning signs, little changes in my behavior, that to me, are LOUDLY announcing, "I NEED A SPANKING!" However, I feel that he perceives these things as me being upset, or mad about something, which sometimes is the case, but usually the underlying issue is that I need to be spanked and cant voice it, which translates into frustration.

   It has been particularly hard for me lately. My body has been going through a lot of changes (obviously, growing a kid inside you does that!) and as excited as I am for this baby, and as much as I love him already, they have been difficult for me to accept. I have already gained 23 or so lbs, and am only 22 weeks. My doctor suggested originally that I gain 25-30 lbs total, and I know there's no way in HELL I am going to be able to keep to that weight goal with 18 more weeks to go. Disappointing. I have been feeling less attractive, even though J tells me all the time how beautiful I am and that he loves my belly and that he finds it sexy. I just don't see myself as beautiful right now. I look in the mirror and think: FAT COW. How selfish of me. I know that it is necessary for me to gain weight in order for the baby to grow properly and remain healthy but I am concerned about losing the weight once he is born. On top of this, my fingers are sausages and I have had to remove all of my rings. I was upset enough about taking my wedding rings off, but I also had to remove the ring from my mom. When she was growing up, my grandmother gave each of her chidlren a ring on their 16th birthday, and my mom wanted to carry this tradition on with her own children. I received mine on my 16th birthday, and my mother passed away only 2 months after this. (She also purchased rings for my sisters and brother for my dad to give them when they turned 16 when she was given the news that she wouldnt be around to do so herself.) I havent taken the ring off since the day it was given to me, so doing so was very emotional and a struggle for me. I feel like a piece of me is missing without it on, and everytime I look down at my hand, it makes me a little sad not seeing it there.

   Finally last night I decided I couldn't wait any longer for him to decide to spank me on his own, and I texted him, telling him I really needed a spanking. He promised me that he would give me one and that it would be a good one. He sure delivered. After he got home and showered, we went to the bedroom and he got the black strap from the drawer. He spanked me slowly and pretty gently at first and built up the intensity. By the end, he was spanking me pretty hard and I was bouncing all around trying to avoid the burning leather. For some reason, though, it never has the same effect when I have to ask for it. Afterwards, I dont feel the same sense of relief that I do when he just does it. I am grateful that he tries his best, and I love him tremendously for that. I guess that is all I can really ask for.