Thursday, June 2, 2011
wheeee!
J asked me today if I'd like a nice little spanking tonight...wahoo! I can't wait :) just thought I'd share lol
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
missing ttwd
I am so missing spankings! Life with a newborn is hectic and stressful at times, and I could use a good spanking to reset me and ease my stress. My incision opened up in a small spot and it's still pretty tender but I've been doing most everything I normally do and feel "fine". I'm probably over-doing it and my dr scolded me a little when I went to have the opening checked, but I just want life to be back to normal. I'm not doing anything crazy or heavy lifting, but a mommys gotta do what a mommys gotta do, right? (especially when daddy sleeps through ANYTHING lol). Ah well... I'm hoping J can be talked into maybe easing back into spanking? We'll see!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
talking it out
Yesterday, while J was at work, we were sending texts back and forth to each other. I told him I couldn't wait for the six weeks to be up because I wanted spankings and love making. He agreed, and then added, "Well, I dont personally want to be spanked.." to which I replied that it was a good thing, because I didn't want to spank him, and asked if he wanted to spank me. He texted back: I miss it, I have to admit.
I couldn't help but smile. I have always thought that J only spanked me because it's what I wanted, and that he didn't see any real benefit for himself or us. It made me feel good to "hear" him say that he was missing it. The conversation rested there as J had work to finish and I didn't want to bother him as he was nearing the end of his shift. Today, however, I sent him a text asking, "Do you really miss the spankings? I doooo! What do you miss about them?" I was so curious as to what about them he enjoyed.
I miss the intimacy of them, he replied, bringing another smile to my face.
I felt my heart swell with happiness, and explained, "I always thought you just did it for me, and didn't really like or want to do it."
What he said next kinda stopped my heart. I do do it for you. The "punishment" stuff I'm not so sure of, but I like the good girl ones.
I felt crushed. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I felt like I was given a beautiful, shiny gift only to have it ripped away from me. Since the beginning of this, I've been insecure about it and felt guilty that J was doing it just for me, and not enjoying it himself. I'm not saying I enjoy punishments, but the results are beneficial to me, and I thought, to us. I wanted to just cry. I texted back a short, "ohh." and quickly put my phone aside, hoping he wouldn't press the issue.
My phone vibrated moments later, signalling a text.
Babyy.
Now the tears welled in my eyes, because I knew that I'd made him feel bad, and that wasn't what I'd meant to do at all. I just didn't know what else to say to what he'd told me. I was so delighted when he'd told me that he was missing spankings, that I assumed he meant all kinds, and it was disappointing to hear that he wasn't doing it for him too, but just for me.
He texted again before I could gather a response. I don't mean that I won't do it.
"I know." I wasn't trying to be harsh, I just didn't know what else to say. I was hurt.
Babe...please don't be mad at me :(
I explained that I wasn't mad, just that it had made me a little sad, to which he responded that he shouldn't have said anything at all. I told him that I liked talking about it, and that I wanted to know how he felt. Positive or negative. He told me he didn't like upsetting me, but I argued that I would rather know and I didn't want him to be pretending to like something, or just doing it for my sake. I asked if it was just punishment he didn't like, or maintenance too?
It's not that I dont like them, it's just hard for me still to make you cry.
As most of you know, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings or my needs, especially when it comes to ttwd. But here, I knew that I had to just open up and let it all out. I explained that the spankings that make me cry are the ones that make me feel closer to him. That letting myself be open and vulnerable enough to cry during a spanking and feeling safe enough to do so strengthened my trust in him, further cemented my feelings for him. I told him that while I do lovelovelove my good girl spankings, and that I dislike punishments and maintenance while they're happening, they're the ones that "reset" me and make me feel cared for and loved. After typing out my rather long response, I hesitated before pressing send, and when I finally did, I felt anxious and breathless while I waited for his answer.
After what felt like forever, all he said was I know baby.
GAH! "I'm sorry," I texted.
He didn't want me to be sorry. He told me that it's just the psychology of him hurting me, thats hard for him to get past. He promised that he understood how I felt, and why it works, but that it's still just hard for him.
And then it hit me. What a lucky girl I am. He cares for me so much that even though I ask him to, he finds it hard to "hurt" me. I realized how many men in the world would take the power and control that I willingly offer to J and abuse it, use it to their advantage and to make their women feel badly, and probably really hurt them. He cares so much for me that even though it makes him uncomfortable, and even though it's emotionally hard for him to do it, he spanks me because it's what I need. He graciously accepts the power and control I offer him and uses it sparingly, while taking my thoughts, feelings, and needs into consideration before doing anything.
I told him I was sorry that it was hard for him, and that sometimes I forget this doesn't come naturally to him. I told him that I appreciate that it's hard for him and that I realize that's a good thing! I told him how grateful I am that he's willing to still give me what I need even though it's hard for him.
The conversation ended there but I think this was an important breakthrough for us.
I couldn't help but smile. I have always thought that J only spanked me because it's what I wanted, and that he didn't see any real benefit for himself or us. It made me feel good to "hear" him say that he was missing it. The conversation rested there as J had work to finish and I didn't want to bother him as he was nearing the end of his shift. Today, however, I sent him a text asking, "Do you really miss the spankings? I doooo! What do you miss about them?" I was so curious as to what about them he enjoyed.
I miss the intimacy of them, he replied, bringing another smile to my face.
I felt my heart swell with happiness, and explained, "I always thought you just did it for me, and didn't really like or want to do it."
What he said next kinda stopped my heart. I do do it for you. The "punishment" stuff I'm not so sure of, but I like the good girl ones.
I felt crushed. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I felt like I was given a beautiful, shiny gift only to have it ripped away from me. Since the beginning of this, I've been insecure about it and felt guilty that J was doing it just for me, and not enjoying it himself. I'm not saying I enjoy punishments, but the results are beneficial to me, and I thought, to us. I wanted to just cry. I texted back a short, "ohh." and quickly put my phone aside, hoping he wouldn't press the issue.
My phone vibrated moments later, signalling a text.
Babyy.
Now the tears welled in my eyes, because I knew that I'd made him feel bad, and that wasn't what I'd meant to do at all. I just didn't know what else to say to what he'd told me. I was so delighted when he'd told me that he was missing spankings, that I assumed he meant all kinds, and it was disappointing to hear that he wasn't doing it for him too, but just for me.
He texted again before I could gather a response. I don't mean that I won't do it.
"I know." I wasn't trying to be harsh, I just didn't know what else to say. I was hurt.
Babe...please don't be mad at me :(
I explained that I wasn't mad, just that it had made me a little sad, to which he responded that he shouldn't have said anything at all. I told him that I liked talking about it, and that I wanted to know how he felt. Positive or negative. He told me he didn't like upsetting me, but I argued that I would rather know and I didn't want him to be pretending to like something, or just doing it for my sake. I asked if it was just punishment he didn't like, or maintenance too?
It's not that I dont like them, it's just hard for me still to make you cry.
As most of you know, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings or my needs, especially when it comes to ttwd. But here, I knew that I had to just open up and let it all out. I explained that the spankings that make me cry are the ones that make me feel closer to him. That letting myself be open and vulnerable enough to cry during a spanking and feeling safe enough to do so strengthened my trust in him, further cemented my feelings for him. I told him that while I do lovelovelove my good girl spankings, and that I dislike punishments and maintenance while they're happening, they're the ones that "reset" me and make me feel cared for and loved. After typing out my rather long response, I hesitated before pressing send, and when I finally did, I felt anxious and breathless while I waited for his answer.
After what felt like forever, all he said was I know baby.
GAH! "I'm sorry," I texted.
He didn't want me to be sorry. He told me that it's just the psychology of him hurting me, thats hard for him to get past. He promised that he understood how I felt, and why it works, but that it's still just hard for him.
And then it hit me. What a lucky girl I am. He cares for me so much that even though I ask him to, he finds it hard to "hurt" me. I realized how many men in the world would take the power and control that I willingly offer to J and abuse it, use it to their advantage and to make their women feel badly, and probably really hurt them. He cares so much for me that even though it makes him uncomfortable, and even though it's emotionally hard for him to do it, he spanks me because it's what I need. He graciously accepts the power and control I offer him and uses it sparingly, while taking my thoughts, feelings, and needs into consideration before doing anything.
I told him I was sorry that it was hard for him, and that sometimes I forget this doesn't come naturally to him. I told him that I appreciate that it's hard for him and that I realize that's a good thing! I told him how grateful I am that he's willing to still give me what I need even though it's hard for him.
The conversation ended there but I think this was an important breakthrough for us.
Monday, May 23, 2011
I'm still alive ...
I've been super busy with our prince lately, but I want everyone to know that I have been reading! I havent been able to comment much as I've been catching up on my iPhone while I breastfeed. I also wanted to update everyone and let you all know that baby Silas is doing WONDERFUL, and I'm healing up pretty well also. My incision is still a little sore, so I'm trying to take it easy, but J went back to work today so I'm hoping my strength comes back soon!
I am sooo missing spankings. I don't know what it is, but the other night, J was holding the baby and I was kneeling on the floor kissing the baby in J's lap. I looked up at my husband and all of a sudden was overwhelmed with the desire to be spanked. It was wierd. My hormones are raging and I'm crying at the drop of a hat, so I may just be looking for a pick-me-up or a reset. Every now and then walking by, J will pat my bottom and give me a smile. That made me cry the first time he did it, because I want to be spanked so badly! Sheesh. He held me, and promised me that soon, once I'm good and healed, I'll be spanked again. I know it's not going to be forever, but damn, it feels like it! It doesnt help that we cant have sex, either. I know we should both just be focusing on enjoying the baby, and of course, we are, but I can't help but miss the intimacy with J too. Ah well, soon enough!
Hope everyone else is doing well!
I am sooo missing spankings. I don't know what it is, but the other night, J was holding the baby and I was kneeling on the floor kissing the baby in J's lap. I looked up at my husband and all of a sudden was overwhelmed with the desire to be spanked. It was wierd. My hormones are raging and I'm crying at the drop of a hat, so I may just be looking for a pick-me-up or a reset. Every now and then walking by, J will pat my bottom and give me a smile. That made me cry the first time he did it, because I want to be spanked so badly! Sheesh. He held me, and promised me that soon, once I'm good and healed, I'll be spanked again. I know it's not going to be forever, but damn, it feels like it! It doesnt help that we cant have sex, either. I know we should both just be focusing on enjoying the baby, and of course, we are, but I can't help but miss the intimacy with J too. Ah well, soon enough!
Hope everyone else is doing well!
Friday, May 13, 2011
SOOOO in love!
Wednesday night, J gave me an "empowerment spanking" as he called it. It was a nice, warm hand spanking meant to get me in the right head space for the next days event. I was terrified about having a c-section, having to get a spinal, etc. I'm awful with needles so this was my worst nightmare. Anyway, it was sweet of him to think of me like that. It made me feel so good.
We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 am yesterday, registered, and got hooked up to the fetal monitor. Baby boy was doing great, very active still, and they explained to us the procedure. I got a little shaky when I was informed that J could not be with me while they administered the spinal but they assured me that right after, hed be coming in and things would be fine. Did not turn out to be the case. They tried inserting the spinal 5-6 times but couldn't find the right space. All I got was sharp, shooting pain in my right leg. So next they tried an epidural. That only numbed one half of my lower body. Finally they decided I would be put to sleep (first time ever). Neither J nor I witnessed our sons birth. It was nothing like we'd planned or hoped for but our prince is here and he's just amazing!
We arrived at the hospital around 9:30 am yesterday, registered, and got hooked up to the fetal monitor. Baby boy was doing great, very active still, and they explained to us the procedure. I got a little shaky when I was informed that J could not be with me while they administered the spinal but they assured me that right after, hed be coming in and things would be fine. Did not turn out to be the case. They tried inserting the spinal 5-6 times but couldn't find the right space. All I got was sharp, shooting pain in my right leg. So next they tried an epidural. That only numbed one half of my lower body. Finally they decided I would be put to sleep (first time ever). Neither J nor I witnessed our sons birth. It was nothing like we'd planned or hoped for but our prince is here and he's just amazing!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Today's the day!
The doctors have decided it's best to go ahead with a c-section bc baby boy is up to a whopping 10 lbs, and feel it's too dangerous for me to try to deliver naturally. At first I was terrified and very upset, but I realize that my doctor is only trying to do what's best for baby and me. This afternoon (just a few short hours!!!) I'll be holding my boy :)
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Still baby-less ...
So, as much as J and I hoped, our little man did not make an appearance today. We did have a nice day, though. We had his parents over for lunch and just spent the day enjoying each other's company.
We had an appointment last Wednesday with a midwife at the practice I go to (my doctor was out for the week) and we also had an ultrasound to determine etimated size of the baby. According to the ultrasound, he is over 9 lbs! Of course, those things are not completely accurate, but it's a little frightening LOL. Anyway, the tech doing the scan seemed concerned that he's so big already and wanted to discuss with the midwife before letting us leave (the ultrasound was AFTER the appointment for some reason). So she went and talked to her, and the midwife suggested instead of coming back next Wednesday for our regularly scheduled appointment, we make one for Monday to see our own doctor immediately to discuss a plan of action. I'm assuming they're going to suggest induction, and I'm hoping they're going to set a date sometime during the coming week! Our anniversary is Friday, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they'll deliver him before then! My due date is Thursday, so it'd be kinda cool to have him that day. At any rate, we should know TOMORROW! I'm very excited :)
J and I spent the day together yesterday doing things for just us. We decided that since it was probably our last chance to do stuff by ourselves for a while, we'd have a date day/night. We went to lunch at my FAVORITE restaraunt, then got ice cream cones, and then we went to the movies. It was very sweet. We ended up going out with my dad and siblings for my sisters birthday dinner last night as well and by the time we got home, J was very tired and fell asleep before maintenance could be addressed. I have been promised one tonight :p
I hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day and weekend.
We had an appointment last Wednesday with a midwife at the practice I go to (my doctor was out for the week) and we also had an ultrasound to determine etimated size of the baby. According to the ultrasound, he is over 9 lbs! Of course, those things are not completely accurate, but it's a little frightening LOL. Anyway, the tech doing the scan seemed concerned that he's so big already and wanted to discuss with the midwife before letting us leave (the ultrasound was AFTER the appointment for some reason). So she went and talked to her, and the midwife suggested instead of coming back next Wednesday for our regularly scheduled appointment, we make one for Monday to see our own doctor immediately to discuss a plan of action. I'm assuming they're going to suggest induction, and I'm hoping they're going to set a date sometime during the coming week! Our anniversary is Friday, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they'll deliver him before then! My due date is Thursday, so it'd be kinda cool to have him that day. At any rate, we should know TOMORROW! I'm very excited :)
J and I spent the day together yesterday doing things for just us. We decided that since it was probably our last chance to do stuff by ourselves for a while, we'd have a date day/night. We went to lunch at my FAVORITE restaraunt, then got ice cream cones, and then we went to the movies. It was very sweet. We ended up going out with my dad and siblings for my sisters birthday dinner last night as well and by the time we got home, J was very tired and fell asleep before maintenance could be addressed. I have been promised one tonight :p
I hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day and weekend.
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