So, I stole this idea from Tammy :)
Heres a few things about us:
- I am irrationally afraid of needles. Like to the point that my chest has broken out in hives and my face gets blotchy when I'm sitting in the chair waiting for the needle to break the skin. I've gotten better, and J tries to go to all my appointments with me, especially ones where we know I'll have to deal with a needle, and having him there helps.
- I'm addicted to reality tv. Teen mom, Jersey Shore, American Idol .. I'm captivated.
- It's much easier to express my thoughts in writing than spoken word. Especially when it's something important that I'm trying to get across, for some reason I can never think of the right words if I'm speaking but put a computer or piece of paper and a pen in front of me and it all just flows out.
- What I'm looking forward to most about the baby coming is being able to see J be a daddy :)
- I hate coffee.
- J is a man's man through and through. He's good with his hands, can build pretty much anything, and is tall, broad and muscular. But he's also artistic, (he paints VERY well, walls/houses/creatively) and sweet. He's a lot more romantic than people would expect.
- I love children. If we could afford to have 15 kids, I totally would.
- My favorite color is green, purple is a close second.
- I have gained WAAAYY too much in this pregnancy, and I'm terrified I won't lose it once the baby is born. Sometimes I fear that J won't find me as attractive as he did before.
- Sometimes I think I need two maintenance spankings a week, because by the middle of the week I get so cranky and just feel like I need a spanking, but I don't want to ask J because I feel like I ask too much of him already.
- I am very close with my siblings and extended family. (my mom was the youngest of 12, so I have a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins.)
- I consider myself to be an extremely lucky person. I couldn't imagine living my life any other way.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Thinking about tears & crying
I was on Fetlife today and read a thread that got me thinking about tears. I used to seldom cry during a spanking, and it happened even less often when I was actually being punished. I can take quite a bit when I'm being spanked, even if I feel like it's too much. I can't process any emotions or think about why I'm being spanked, because my mind focuses on fighting the pain, and not the actual reason for it. I cry much more often now, because J will give me sets of swats. Now that I have a minute or two between sets when my backside isn't being assaulted, I have time to consider what I've done, or the emotions I've got inside that I need to release, and I'm able to process these. The tears come even sooner when J talks to me in between sets about why I'm being spanked (if it's punishment), or about my sadness/grief/stress etc. I enjoy fun, erotic spankings that don't result in tears, but once in a while, this girl just needs to cry!
So, I'm curious to hear about everyone else's experiences. Do you cry often? Every time? Not at all? What elements to a spanking assist/hinder your process of getting to the point of tears?
So, I'm curious to hear about everyone else's experiences. Do you cry often? Every time? Not at all? What elements to a spanking assist/hinder your process of getting to the point of tears?
Nursery
So yesterday we had our 3D ultrasound in the morning and it was AMAZING. Getting to see our little man's face, his cute little lips and button nose, his precious fingers, and toes ... I couldn't begin to explain to you how it felt. He is simply beautiful. I cant wait to meet him in just a few short months! The ultrasound tech was shocked at how much he moves around and beats me up in there :p
Here are some pictures :
Friday, February 11, 2011
Honesty Pays
When J and I first started this journey a little over a year ago, we started out slow. There were aspects that he wasn't entirely comfortable with, and he took control little by little. Up until the no texting and driving rule, I hadn't had any specific expectations put upon me. It went without saying that whatever he asked of me was to be done, and I was to treat him respectfully, but he'd never made those rules. Like I said, they went without saying. So when he decided to put his foot down and make it clear that I was not to text and drive anymore, it felt good. (This was something I did quite often, on a daily basis. I've become an expert at texting without even looking at the keyboard, so I didn't consider it dangerous, though I know that it can be. Something unexpected could happen if my eyes slip away from the road for one moment. I just never thought about it that way before.) I didn't think it would be hard to stop. He voiced his concern that if I didn't tell him that I hadn't followed the rule, that he would never know if I'd broken it. I agreed, and I even wrote out a "pact" to him on a piece of paper, that he now carries in his wallet. It said something along the lines of I promise to not text and drive anymore, and I also promise that if I ever break this pact, I will be honest and tell J anytime it happens, and signed my name.
Yesterday was a terrible day. I was emotional and pre-occupied and just having one of those days. So when he texted me, and I picked up my phone, I thought nothing of it. It wasn't until I'd hit send that I realized what I'd just done. I hated the thought that I'd broken a promise I made to J. I was afraid that he was going to feel let down by me, disappointed. I hate disappointing anyone, but especially him. I knew that he was already having an awful day, and didn't want to add to his frustration by telling him what I'd done. I considered not telling him at all, after all, I'd worked hard at keeping my promise, and I really hadn't meant to disobey him. However, judging how I felt about breaking the pact, I knew my guilt would eat me from the inside out, and I'd end up confessing at a later time, getting myself into trouble not only for the texting, but for meaning to keep it from him. So then, I thought about giving him a night to get over the rest of the days stresses, and tell him today that I'd messed up and broke the pact. In the end, I knew that either way, he was going to be upset, and I didn't want to compact it by not fessing up right away. I wrote him a note. I explained that I was stressed and emotional and pre-occupied, and hadn't realized what I was doing. I acknowledged that having all that on my mind didn't excuse breaking the rule, but I wanted him to know it wasn't deliberate. I told him that I didn't want to make his day any worse, but I just couldn't keep it from him. I apologized, and told him that I loved him. It felt good writing it all out, and getting it off my chest. I was still nervous about how he was going to react, but I knew I was doing the right thing. When he got home, we watched a little bit of tv together and he had something to eat. I let him unwind and before he got in the shower, I gave him the note.
I felt like I could cry, I was so disappointed in myself. After reading through it, he hugged me and thanked me for being honest. He told me that although I was going to be punished, that he was going to go easy on me, because I'd told him the truth and he knew how hard that must have been for me. He decided that since we'd both had long and stressful days, that last night probably wasn't the best time for us to address the punsihment, and that it would take place this afternoon before he went to work.
I experienced the loopy for real for the first time today. He spanked me for two straight minutes, but graciously let me leave my pants up. That thing stings like nothing I've ever experienced. Even over my pants, my butt was hot and bright red when he'd finished. OW. I don't want to EVER have to get that on my bare butt. Makes me shiver just thinking about it.
All in all, I feel much better having put it behind us. This morning, my wonderful husband talked me into making a hair appointment and I got the hair cut I've been dying to get for about two months now. I go through phases where I want my hair long and then I get sick of it and need a change, so I got it chopped, and even added some bangs. I'm LOVING it! So glad he suggested it. FINALLY, the weekend is here! Tomorrow, we have a 3D ultrasound to see our little man, and then we're going to start painting the nursery :) :) :)
Have a GREAT weekend everyone!
Yesterday was a terrible day. I was emotional and pre-occupied and just having one of those days. So when he texted me, and I picked up my phone, I thought nothing of it. It wasn't until I'd hit send that I realized what I'd just done. I hated the thought that I'd broken a promise I made to J. I was afraid that he was going to feel let down by me, disappointed. I hate disappointing anyone, but especially him. I knew that he was already having an awful day, and didn't want to add to his frustration by telling him what I'd done. I considered not telling him at all, after all, I'd worked hard at keeping my promise, and I really hadn't meant to disobey him. However, judging how I felt about breaking the pact, I knew my guilt would eat me from the inside out, and I'd end up confessing at a later time, getting myself into trouble not only for the texting, but for meaning to keep it from him. So then, I thought about giving him a night to get over the rest of the days stresses, and tell him today that I'd messed up and broke the pact. In the end, I knew that either way, he was going to be upset, and I didn't want to compact it by not fessing up right away. I wrote him a note. I explained that I was stressed and emotional and pre-occupied, and hadn't realized what I was doing. I acknowledged that having all that on my mind didn't excuse breaking the rule, but I wanted him to know it wasn't deliberate. I told him that I didn't want to make his day any worse, but I just couldn't keep it from him. I apologized, and told him that I loved him. It felt good writing it all out, and getting it off my chest. I was still nervous about how he was going to react, but I knew I was doing the right thing. When he got home, we watched a little bit of tv together and he had something to eat. I let him unwind and before he got in the shower, I gave him the note.
I felt like I could cry, I was so disappointed in myself. After reading through it, he hugged me and thanked me for being honest. He told me that although I was going to be punished, that he was going to go easy on me, because I'd told him the truth and he knew how hard that must have been for me. He decided that since we'd both had long and stressful days, that last night probably wasn't the best time for us to address the punsihment, and that it would take place this afternoon before he went to work.
I experienced the loopy for real for the first time today. He spanked me for two straight minutes, but graciously let me leave my pants up. That thing stings like nothing I've ever experienced. Even over my pants, my butt was hot and bright red when he'd finished. OW. I don't want to EVER have to get that on my bare butt. Makes me shiver just thinking about it.
All in all, I feel much better having put it behind us. This morning, my wonderful husband talked me into making a hair appointment and I got the hair cut I've been dying to get for about two months now. I go through phases where I want my hair long and then I get sick of it and need a change, so I got it chopped, and even added some bangs. I'm LOVING it! So glad he suggested it. FINALLY, the weekend is here! Tomorrow, we have a 3D ultrasound to see our little man, and then we're going to start painting the nursery :) :) :)
Have a GREAT weekend everyone!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
the big bad day
This morning, J and I went to the dentist. Neither of us have been in quite a few years, and we made back to back appointments (mostly because I hate the dentist and it comforted me to know he was going to be there, too.) I had a feeling it was going to be bad, but nowhere close to what it actually is.
I was informed that I have pregnancy gingivitis. Basically because I'm pregnant, my gums are inflamed, which allows plaque to build up between my gums and teeth. Awesome. So that requires a special cleaning. I was also told I need 2, maybe 3 root canals! DAMN! I have a serious fear of needles, to the point that I break out in hives before getting my blood drawn, and I hyperventilate. I have no idea what my options are for local anesthetics, being pregnant, but I am praying I have choices other than getting a giant needle shoved in my mouth. I also need an obscene amount of fillings. My teeth don't look bad, so I didn't expect any of this to come up! I havent been experiencing any pain or sensitivity. I guess I should have been going for annual check ups. J needs to have his wisdom teeth extracted, and needs a couple fillings himself. He also needs an extensive cleaning, above and beyond what they give the ordinary client. The real kicker is that our insurance covers close to nothing in comparison to what the costs are. Our out of pocket cost is close to $8,000 .. something we don't exactly just have lying around, if you know what I mean. I burst into tears in the office. I tend to panic about money in general, but with the baby coming, J losing his shift differential in the summer, and now this, I feel extremely overwhelmed. My ever calm husband assured me everything was going to be alright and that we would figure everything out, but I could tell even he was nervous about this. He made me promise not to worry about it, and try not to be upset the rest of the day. Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Then, this afternoon, I did a bad thing. J made a rule a few weeks ago that I must stop texting while driving. I even had to write out a promise and sign it on a piece of paper. He keeps it in his wallet. Well, I had to go back to the dentist to get a print out of what we needed done and the total costs, since they forgot to give us one before we left. When I got there, I texted J to tell him I was now at the dentist and then was going to get my younger sister and we were going to the gym together. About ten minutes later, I was on my way to my sisters, and J texted me. Pre-occupied, I replied, even though I was driving. I didn't think about it until after I'd sent it, and then I felt like a lead bowling ball had been dropped into my stomach. I haven't told J yet. I don't know how I'm going to. I'm terrified of letting him down, and I feel absolutely STUPID for breaking this rule. I mean, normally, it's something I just don't do, because I'm thinking about it and consciously not doing it. I don't know how I did it, honestly. How difficult is it to say to yourself, I can answer this later ? But it didn't even cross my mind. Plus, the few texts I have gotten from J since have made it pretty clear he's having an awful night at work. I know he's stressed about the dental work, and his coworkers often rub him the wrong way. I don't want to add more of a burden to him today. GAAAAHHHH I just want to scream, and cry.
This day sucks.
I was informed that I have pregnancy gingivitis. Basically because I'm pregnant, my gums are inflamed, which allows plaque to build up between my gums and teeth. Awesome. So that requires a special cleaning. I was also told I need 2, maybe 3 root canals! DAMN! I have a serious fear of needles, to the point that I break out in hives before getting my blood drawn, and I hyperventilate. I have no idea what my options are for local anesthetics, being pregnant, but I am praying I have choices other than getting a giant needle shoved in my mouth. I also need an obscene amount of fillings. My teeth don't look bad, so I didn't expect any of this to come up! I havent been experiencing any pain or sensitivity. I guess I should have been going for annual check ups. J needs to have his wisdom teeth extracted, and needs a couple fillings himself. He also needs an extensive cleaning, above and beyond what they give the ordinary client. The real kicker is that our insurance covers close to nothing in comparison to what the costs are. Our out of pocket cost is close to $8,000 .. something we don't exactly just have lying around, if you know what I mean. I burst into tears in the office. I tend to panic about money in general, but with the baby coming, J losing his shift differential in the summer, and now this, I feel extremely overwhelmed. My ever calm husband assured me everything was going to be alright and that we would figure everything out, but I could tell even he was nervous about this. He made me promise not to worry about it, and try not to be upset the rest of the day. Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Then, this afternoon, I did a bad thing. J made a rule a few weeks ago that I must stop texting while driving. I even had to write out a promise and sign it on a piece of paper. He keeps it in his wallet. Well, I had to go back to the dentist to get a print out of what we needed done and the total costs, since they forgot to give us one before we left. When I got there, I texted J to tell him I was now at the dentist and then was going to get my younger sister and we were going to the gym together. About ten minutes later, I was on my way to my sisters, and J texted me. Pre-occupied, I replied, even though I was driving. I didn't think about it until after I'd sent it, and then I felt like a lead bowling ball had been dropped into my stomach. I haven't told J yet. I don't know how I'm going to. I'm terrified of letting him down, and I feel absolutely STUPID for breaking this rule. I mean, normally, it's something I just don't do, because I'm thinking about it and consciously not doing it. I don't know how I did it, honestly. How difficult is it to say to yourself, I can answer this later ? But it didn't even cross my mind. Plus, the few texts I have gotten from J since have made it pretty clear he's having an awful night at work. I know he's stressed about the dental work, and his coworkers often rub him the wrong way. I don't want to add more of a burden to him today. GAAAAHHHH I just want to scream, and cry.
This day sucks.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
He's getting good ...
This morning, I was woken up my the roommate's dog. NOT HAPPY. He is sooooo effing lazy when it comes to taking care of his dog it's incredible. She was crying for a half hour, WAILING, to be let out of her crate to go outside. After the first five minutes, I was about to get up and take her out myself, when I heard my roommate open his bedroom door, so I assumed he was going to. WRONG. I heard him moving about the house for another 20 or so minutes, even feeding the fish before taking his dog outside. How freaking inconsiderate. HELLO, you do not live alone, and the pregnant girl doesn't sleep well at night!!!!! WTF. Ok, glad I got that off my chest.
So anyway, after laying awake for another half hour, trying to make myself fall back to sleep, I gave up and went out to the living room. The roommate had left for work (the one day of the week he isnt working from home,) and his dog was whimpering in her crate again. I let her out and played with her for a little bit, then took her for a walk around our neighborhood before putting her back in her crate so I could try to sleep on the couch. I drifted off for a little bit, then woke up to J coming back into the house. I lifted my head and looked at him, and he told me he was going to the hardware store in a few minutes. I asked why, and he told me he was going to buy some materials to make a loopy johnny. I decided to go with him.
He found an random handle that something had been broken off of. It had a screw in the top, and he decided it was perfect. Since it was broken, we didn't have to even pay for it. Then we went to Lowe's, and he bought some 1/4" vinyl tubing. The whole time we walked around the store he sang a jingle he made up about spanking my bum. Greeeeeaaaat. He was a little too excited about this, if you ask me. Anyway, we got home and he made the darn thing in like 15 minutes! Geesh. I was in the middle of eating lunch when he finished and he came into the living room and made me lie on the couch so he could give me a few practice swats. OUCH! He decided he wanted to modify it, and left me in peace to finish my lunch. After fixing it to his liking, he sat down with me and ate, then rushed me to finish mine so he could spank me again with it. I swear, the man's losing it. He let me keep my sweatpants up, thankfully, because that thing stings like the devil! For the last few swats he wanted to "try it on the bare butt", and those were torture! And he was going light. Crap. He thought I was kidding about how much fuss I was making, so I told him to smack his hand with it, and he did, and got an evil grin and said, "Oh yeah, it's got some sting. I think I like this thing!"
Let me tell you, I'll be on my best behavior as long as this things around!!
So anyway, after laying awake for another half hour, trying to make myself fall back to sleep, I gave up and went out to the living room. The roommate had left for work (the one day of the week he isnt working from home,) and his dog was whimpering in her crate again. I let her out and played with her for a little bit, then took her for a walk around our neighborhood before putting her back in her crate so I could try to sleep on the couch. I drifted off for a little bit, then woke up to J coming back into the house. I lifted my head and looked at him, and he told me he was going to the hardware store in a few minutes. I asked why, and he told me he was going to buy some materials to make a loopy johnny. I decided to go with him.
He found an random handle that something had been broken off of. It had a screw in the top, and he decided it was perfect. Since it was broken, we didn't have to even pay for it. Then we went to Lowe's, and he bought some 1/4" vinyl tubing. The whole time we walked around the store he sang a jingle he made up about spanking my bum. Greeeeeaaaat. He was a little too excited about this, if you ask me. Anyway, we got home and he made the darn thing in like 15 minutes! Geesh. I was in the middle of eating lunch when he finished and he came into the living room and made me lie on the couch so he could give me a few practice swats. OUCH! He decided he wanted to modify it, and left me in peace to finish my lunch. After fixing it to his liking, he sat down with me and ate, then rushed me to finish mine so he could spank me again with it. I swear, the man's losing it. He let me keep my sweatpants up, thankfully, because that thing stings like the devil! For the last few swats he wanted to "try it on the bare butt", and those were torture! And he was going light. Crap. He thought I was kidding about how much fuss I was making, so I told him to smack his hand with it, and he did, and got an evil grin and said, "Oh yeah, it's got some sting. I think I like this thing!"
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A Pleasant Suprise
After J got dressed for work today, we laid together on the bed talking and joking. He told me he wanted me to clean up in our room a little bit today while he was at work. We were going back and forth about something, and I was being quite sassy. I don't do this to be disrespectful or anything of the sort, brattiness is kind of part of my personality. I use it teasingly and J knows that I'm not actually being rude. Well, he looked and me and frowned, saying "I don't like your negative attitude, missy."
I turned up my nose, fighting the smile at my lips and said, "Well change it, then!" My eyes glittered as I stared at him. I love our playful spankings before he leaves, and I assumed that's what I'd be getting.
"Go choose a card," he said, raising an eyebrow, giving me a look that said 'you're not going to win this game,'
My eyebrows flew up. "What! Seriously?" I asked.
He nodded. "Bring them all to me,"
I got up and went to the drawer, taking out the cards I made a few days ago, and brought them to him.
He read them all over again, then fanned them out in his hand and told me to pick one.
I held my finger in front of one for a long time, but was scared to commit to it. At the last second I changed my mind and chose one closer to the end. I plucked it out of his hand and read it, groaning.
75 on each cheek with the five fingered strap, panties on
20 on each cheek with hand, bare
J grinned, taking the card from my hand and going to the drawer. "Go ahead, get over your pillow."
Grumbling, I assumed the position, thanking my lucky stars that I was wearing full panties today.
He told me he was making a change, and came over with a paint mixer we'd be given at the paint store yesterday when we bought the nursery room paint.
I breathed a sigh of relief as he tugged my sweatpants down.
He gave me 75 crisp smacks, but they were nothing compared to the strap. He pointed this out, and reminded me that I was lucky today. I quickly agreed. When the card was fulfilled, we lay together again and he squeezed my bum. "If you don't clean up what I asked you to, you'll be choosing a card for real, tonight." he informed me.
I actually got goosebumps. I promised him I would have it done by the time he got home.
All he said was, "We'll see." Then, he told me he was thinking about making up more cards that I wouldn't be allowed to read before hand, so I would have no idea what they said before choosing one.
I think I've created a monster.
I turned up my nose, fighting the smile at my lips and said, "Well change it, then!" My eyes glittered as I stared at him. I love our playful spankings before he leaves, and I assumed that's what I'd be getting.
"Go choose a card," he said, raising an eyebrow, giving me a look that said 'you're not going to win this game,'
My eyebrows flew up. "What! Seriously?" I asked.
He nodded. "Bring them all to me,"
I got up and went to the drawer, taking out the cards I made a few days ago, and brought them to him.
He read them all over again, then fanned them out in his hand and told me to pick one.
I held my finger in front of one for a long time, but was scared to commit to it. At the last second I changed my mind and chose one closer to the end. I plucked it out of his hand and read it, groaning.
75 on each cheek with the five fingered strap, panties on
20 on each cheek with hand, bare
J grinned, taking the card from my hand and going to the drawer. "Go ahead, get over your pillow."
Grumbling, I assumed the position, thanking my lucky stars that I was wearing full panties today.
He told me he was making a change, and came over with a paint mixer we'd be given at the paint store yesterday when we bought the nursery room paint.
I breathed a sigh of relief as he tugged my sweatpants down.
He gave me 75 crisp smacks, but they were nothing compared to the strap. He pointed this out, and reminded me that I was lucky today. I quickly agreed. When the card was fulfilled, we lay together again and he squeezed my bum. "If you don't clean up what I asked you to, you'll be choosing a card for real, tonight." he informed me.
I actually got goosebumps. I promised him I would have it done by the time he got home.
All he said was, "We'll see." Then, he told me he was thinking about making up more cards that I wouldn't be allowed to read before hand, so I would have no idea what they said before choosing one.
I think I've created a monster.
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