Even Though Summer's Ending

     Things are heating up around here. Friday, I was going to write a post about how down I've been. How lately, I've been feeling like I can't do anything right...like I'm a failure at the only things I'm supposed to be good at, being a mother and wife. I didn't get around to writing that day, and I'm glad I didn't.

     Saturday night, J and I had a talk, it was not about dd but about some things that have been going on in our life. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. He told me how he was feeling about the way I have been acting recently, and it was really an eye-opener. He was absolutely right about everything he said, and it was hard to hear it.
     I was wrong, that's for sure. I hadn't done these things intentionally to hurt him. I would never do anything to hurt him, on purpose. There was just a lot going on at once and I didnt know how to process everything at once. I shut him out. I was lonely, not having spent enough time with J. I started to feel like he didn't want to be around me, to spend time together. Once that happened, it was a lost cause. I started putting up walls to protect myself. I felt like I was on my own, and of course that scared me. I pushed him away. When he offered to help me with the baby, I told him I didn't need his help, I could do it myself. I was being stubborn, it was like I was trying to prove (to myself) that I could do it on my own. It was silly, but I didn't see that then. I cried while he told me how my actions had affected him, and he sounded pretty upset himself.
     He wiped my tears and told me he hadn't meant to make me cry.
     I knew that. I know that J loves me more than he loves himself, more than anything, except our son. He wants to protect me at all times, never wants to see me sad. My heart hurt...but it wasn't his fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have treated him the way that I did. I should have thought more about it, but I was selfish and only looked at it from my perspective. I thought about all of this as we sat in silence.
     When our roommate came into the basement where we were sitting, I excused myself to bed. J followed soon after. He got out the strap, and told me to roll over. I did. He didn't say anything the whole time, except to tell me to get my hands away or to roll back over.
     It was extremely intense. J told me after that he wasn't hitting me any harder than usual, and I do believe that. I was still emotionally raw from the talk we'd had only a short while before. I was feeling so guilty for what I'd done, so sorry that I'd disappointed him. He didn't say a word, and yet I felt punished. It hurt so bad, at times I really didn't think I could take it. I rolled away, positive I just couldn't do it. He wasnt phased, just told me to roll back over, firmly guided me back to where I need to be so he could strap me more. I thought it would never end. I sobbed, and he kept spanking. When it finally ended, and I was snuggled up in his arms, I felt so relieved. Even though he didnt say it, I felt like "maintenance" had more of a discipline tone to it. All the guilt I'd felt for hurting J, for acting the way I did, for being so stubborn, it all melted away. I felt so peaceful, like J and I were back on track again, together. The distance had been closed between us, effectively.
     "How's your butt feel?" he asked, sticking a hand down the back of my pants and squeezing my bum.
     "Ouch!" I squealed, giggling a little. "It's soreeee, does it feel hot?"
     "Nope," he murmured in my ear. "I think it needs something more."
     I felt alarmed. "What?!" I cried. "Like what..."
     His voice was gentle, but totally serious. "I'm thinking maybe the hairbrush."
     My heart nearly stopped. "Wait...really?"
     "Yep."
     "No." I said firmly, looking in his eyes. Only a moment after saying that, though, I re-evaluated. Yes, my bottom was hot and sore. BUT he is the one who's in charge. I took a deep breath and said, "Okay."
     "Okay what?"
     "If you want to give it to me," I whispered. "I'll take it."
     His deep laugh rumbled through the room. "Well, there's an open invitation if I ever heard one, I'll have to keep that one in mind." He didn't spank me again. Was he just looking to see if I would submit to it, even though I had already had more than I thought I could stand? I don't know.

     Sunday, I felt like a whole new woman. We had a great day together. We laughed, and played with each other too, not just the baby. We were all over each other every chance we got, touching, kissing, caressing, squeezing. Lots of fun, sexy, sporadic spankings happened throughout the day. J made it clear he planned to make love to me that night. It was a wonderful thing to day dream about to pass the time. We were watching tv together in the basement when J said it was time to go to bed. I put him off for a few minutes and he sat on the futon a few feet away. Finally, when I was ready to go to bed, I got up and started for the stairs, announcing I was going to bed.
     "No you're not," J told me.
     "Yes, I am. Come on," I urged him.
     "Come over here first."
     I shook my head, turning back for the stairs. "Come on! I'm going to bed,"
     He didn't move. Waited for me to turn around. Which, of course, I did. "Get over here, now!" he ordered, pointing to the spot on the floor in front of him.
     I stood there for a minute, contemplating turning and going up the stairs, but realized what I was doing and went to him. He held his arms out to me, and I sat beside him and leaned into his offered embrace. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I should have come over right away."
     "Naughty," he said, shaking his head.
     "I'm sorry!"
     "You couldn't walk ten feet over to me? You just said, no." he sounded disappointed. He looked disappointed.
     "I know, I'm sorry baby." I said softly, looking into his eyes. "I should have come over."
     "Let's go," he sighed.
     We went upstairs, to bed, together.
     I walked into the room as he was undressing. I stood before him, running my finger tips over his bare skin while he took his clothes off. I couldn't take my eyes off him, couldn't get enough of feeling him.
     When he was down to his boxers, he grabbed me and pulled me against his body. He rubbed his hand between my legs, kissing me hard. Then, he roughly spun me around and bent me over at the waist, putting my hands on the bed. He spanked me for a couple minutes, hard enough so that I was dancing around and my bum was pretty warm.
     "Get on the bed." he ordered, pointing at the bed.
     "Yes sir!" I cried, happily obeying. I climbed onto the bed and looked up at him, my eyes sparkling, a smile on my lips.
     He laid me down, and kissed me tenderly. He undressed me, made me feel good. He laid back and let me make him feel good. Then we laid beside each other, slowly and gently touching, enjoying our bodies. We made each other feel good.
     Suddenly, "Roll over on your tummy."
     I did.
     He spanked me again, bare, and even though I was already a little sore, I felt so good that it just increased my pleasure. Then, he rolled me over again and we made love.
     It was amazing. It was hot.

     This morning, when the baby went down for his first nap, J dragged me off to the bedroom to make love again. It's like a spell has been put on us, ever since that big spanking on saturday.
     All this little episode in our lives proves to me is that maintenance is an extremely important part of the equation for us. When we went too long without a serious-toned spanking, I started to feel shaky. I panicked, tried to handle things on my own, and crashed and burned. We both ended up confused and hurt. Once that "reset" button was hit, things were easy between us again. We gravitate toward each other instead of repelling away. We cant keep our hands off each other, cant get enough. I havent hesitated to ask for his help, or to accept it graciously when it's offered. We are working together instead of for ourselves, and it feels really great.  Things are definitely heating up ;)