All Mixed Up

     It feels like someone took ahold of my brain and shook it all up, and now everything inside is all stuck together, and out of place... and I'm having a hard time picking up the pieces, separating it all and putting it all back together. So, this is going to be me trying to figure everything out ... forgive me if this post makes no sense at all!
     This week is the last week that J is on the day shift. After this, he will be working second shift. Even before the baby, I wasn't crazy about him working second shift because it meant less time together. It doesnt seem like it should, because we have the day together instead of the night. But, by the time hes home it's close to 11:30, then he has to take a shower, usually hes hungry .. and wide awake. He doesnt usually fall asleep until 2 or so in the morning, and thats on a good night. Which means he sleeps later in the morning to catch up on what he needs to be functional. This was alright when the baby wasn't around because I didnt mind staying up late to wait for him to get home, and then we'd spend time together after his shower, AND in the morning/afternoon before he went to work. Now, however, I will most likely be in bed by the time he gets home (pout .. I hate going to bed alone, not to mention its hard for me to sleep when he's not beside me). Oh yeah, and alone time? You can forget about it. The only time the baby sleeps longer than 30 min is at night, and he wont be here. 
     Saturday night, we were laying in bed talking and cuddling and it came up about him going back on nights. Before I knew what hit me, I was in tears! I hadn't realized how much it was affecting me until that moment. I dont know who was more surprised, J or me! I hate crying in front of people, even J, as silly as it might seem. Then I got annoyed with myself for letting him see me cry. I didn't want him to think I was upset with him. I wasn't. I know that he's unhappy working second shift as well, but it pays better and we need it. I know that the only reason he does it is because he gets great benefits and he wants to take the best care of our family as he can. But knowing all this doesnt make it hurt less thinking about all the time we wont have together. It makes me feel needy, and weak. I dont like that. I want to be strong, and independant...but deep down I know I'm not. I miss him when he's not around. I was already struggling with the little amount of alone time we have together, and now this. J is like my air, and I already feel like I'm choking without him.
     I had to ask him to post-pone maintenance for a night. If you read here often, you know this is not like me at all. I hate skipping spankings, and especially missing maintenance. I really needed it, too, but Saturday night was not the time. I could hardly get control of myself, sobbing off and on for the next 45 minutes or so. When J picked up the hair brush and told me tonight I'd be getting 150 on each, I felt my stomach knot. I started crying again. I didnt think I could handle being spanked in my emotional state. I asked softly could we please just do it all Sunday? He wasn't sure at first, but once he was assured I wouldn't be disappointed with him not spanking me, he agreed. I felt far too fragile already to have to put myself in an even more vulnerable position, and was thankful for the reprieve.
     We had "the first part" of maintenance last night. Apparently, maintenance now occurs on saturday AND sunday, and since we skipped saturday, my next "appointment" as J called it, is tonight. Last night's spanking was pretty intense. Same routine as last week ... started and ended with the strap with a little hair brush in the middle. Ouch. J was firm again throughout. My hands only went back once, and he graciously didnt give me more swats for it, but he did let me know in no uncertain terms that if it happened again, I'd get two very hard swats extra. Thankfully, I was able to keep them where they belonged! Yay, me :)
     As difficult as it is, I like that he expects that of me. It feels good to be held accountable for something, and its as good a place to start as any. He knows that it's hard for me to not put my hands back and try to protect my bottom, but if I do put my hands back, I could get hurt, and he doesnt want that. So, no matter how difficult, he expects restraint. I can live with that ... and I can live with the two extra swats if I screw up. Anyway, it gives me hope that he will eventually extend the accountability into our every day lives and not keep it confined to spanking time only. 
     I'm actually not looking forward to tonights spanking. If last week was any indication, the "second part" is going to be worse than last night, and to be honest, I'm a little tender today. Sometimes I wonder, if we could get spanked and it not be painful but still get all the benefits from it, would it be the same? Somehow, I dont imagine it would.