Stunned.

     As I sit here and type I am still somewhat taken aback. The HOH fairy has come to my house, cloned a more serious, stern hubby, and left him with me, escaping with the cuddly, laid back version.
     Yesterday was a bit of a stressful day. No particular reason, I am just easily stressed and lately, it's all just been builing up and building up, with no way for me to release it. Plus, my back was super sore because Silas was pretty fussy and I spent a good chunk of my day sitting on a bouncy ball with him in my arms. Do that for 10-20 min at a time with a 14 lb baby and you're bound to screw your back up. So, I was a tad cranky, and complaining about my back (like I have been for the past week) to J.
     He came to take over the bouncing of the baby and reminded me that I still havent used the heating pad, and that I should do so to help with my back.
     Frustrated, I snapped, "I don't even know where it is!" In my head, all I was thinking was when the fu*k do I have time to use the freaking heating pad? Totally not fair of me to snap at J but I was tired (ok, exhausted), sore and stressed out.
     "It's either behind the couch, or on the stairs in our room." he said slowly. "You don't need to snap at me."
     I got up and went to the bathroom, locking myself in. I cried because I felt like J was mad at me, and I felt bad for letting my emotions get the best of me. I sat on the edge of the bathtub and held my head in my hands while I cried.
     Literally two minutes later, J was knocking on the door. I thought he'd figured out I was upset, because he's usually pretty good at that, but when I opened the door, he was holding the baby, telling me he had to use the bathroom.
     For the rest of the night, I was distant and moody. I didn't have any more outbursts or anything like that, but I was definitely in a mood. I ended up in bed before J and I stared at the ceiling while I waited for him to come in.
     When he finally did, I watched him undress. I love when he takes off his belt, because he usually does it super fast so it snaps through the loops, just cuz he knows I like the sound of it ;)
     He laid beside me. "Baby, what's wrong?" he asked.
     "Nothing," I lied.
     "Baby..." he said. "What's wrong?"
     "Nothing!" I insisted.
     "Roll over." J said firmly. When I didn't move, he repeated himself.
     I rolled over, avoiding looking at him. I could feel my face getting hot.
     He asked me again what was wrong, and again I told him nothing. He strapped me. It fell randomly on each side, and then it stopped. Again, he asked what was wrong. Nothing. The strap came down again, burning my poor bum. Clearly, he wasn't going to let it go, so when he stopped and asked me a third time what was wrong, I decided I should probably answer.
     "I'm just stressed out!" I blurted out.
     He started strapping me again, while he talked to me. He's not usually much of a talker when he spanks, so this caught me off guard. "What are you stressed about?"
     Between strokes, I managed to squeak, "The baby!"
     "Is that all?"
     "Mostly!" By this point I was squirming and trying so hard to avoid the strap.
     "What else?" he asked.
      Well, I didn't really know what else. I just felt .. blech. "Nothing,"
      That earned me harder strokes. "Babe, what else?"
     "Nothing else! Nothing, really.."
     "Well you said mostly, so what else is it besides the baby? Me?" he kept up smacking me with the God-awful strap.
     "It's nothing else, I swear!"
      For a few moments, he said nothing while he continued laying that evil strap on my burning butt. Finally, he said, "Do you know what to do about your stress?" he asked.
     "No!" I wanted to add obviously, since I'm in this position right now, but decided to keep that tasty little tidbit to myself.
     "You dont?" he waited for me to moan another pathetic 'no' before going on. "You can take a walk, put the baby in the stroller and he may cry for a minute but he quiets right down. Same thing with a car ride. You need to work your stress off. I think taking a long walk would be most beneficial to you, to burn your stress off. You know what I mean?"
     "Yes sir!" I assured him.
     He strapped me for another few minutes before ending the spanking and pulling me into his arms. He held me tight, kissed my head, and whispered how much he loved me. He did not ask if I was okay. He didn't apologize for making me cry.
     I closed my eyes while he held me and just let myself be. I felt so secure and loved wrapped up in his warm arms that I wished we could stay that way forever. I was more content after this spanking than I've felt in a very long time.

     This spanking was very different for me in a lot of ways. J initiated it, which obviously made me feel more like he was in control and that I could just let go. He spanked both sides randomly, with no set number, which made me feel more out of control because I couldn't count down the swats and mentally stay on top of the pain. I couldn't reason with myself that I only had x number of swats left so if I could just make it through, I'd be okay. He talked to me throughout, which kept me in the moment. I had to focus on everything that was happening, listening to him and formulating my own responses. Not only that but I felt more connected to him, like he was more involved and invested in this one? I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how I felt. Afterward, by not asking if I was ok or apologizing for making me cry, he made me feel that he was confident in his decision to spank me, which he should have been. I certainly deserved and needed it. I will definitely remember this spanking for a long time. Forever. I am so incredibly lucky to have J.