talking it out

    Yesterday, while J was at work, we were sending texts back and forth to each other. I told him I couldn't wait for the six weeks to be up because I wanted spankings and love making. He agreed, and then added, "Well, I dont personally want to be spanked.." to which I replied that it was a good thing, because I didn't want to spank him, and asked if he wanted to spank me. He texted back: I miss it, I have to admit.
    I couldn't help but smile. I have always thought that J only spanked me because it's what I wanted, and that he didn't see any real benefit for himself or us. It made me feel good to "hear" him say that he was missing it. The conversation rested there as J had work to finish and I didn't want to bother him as he was nearing the end of his shift. Today, however, I sent him a text asking, "Do you really miss the spankings? I doooo! What do you miss about them?" I was so curious as to what about them he enjoyed.
    I miss the intimacy of them, he replied, bringing another smile to my face.
    I felt my heart swell with happiness, and explained, "I always thought you just did it for me, and didn't really like or want to do it."
    What he said next kinda stopped my heart. I do do it for you. The "punishment" stuff I'm not so sure of, but I like the good girl ones.
    I felt crushed. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I felt like I was given a beautiful, shiny gift only to have it ripped away from me. Since the beginning of this, I've been insecure about it and felt guilty that J was doing it just for me, and not enjoying it himself. I'm not saying I enjoy punishments, but the results are beneficial to me, and I thought, to us. I wanted to just cry. I texted back a short, "ohh." and quickly put my phone aside, hoping he wouldn't press the issue.
    My phone vibrated moments later, signalling a text.
    Babyy.
    Now the tears welled in my eyes, because I knew that I'd made him feel bad, and that wasn't what I'd meant to do at all. I just didn't know what else to say to what he'd told me. I was so delighted when he'd told me that he was missing spankings, that I assumed he meant all kinds, and it was disappointing to hear that he wasn't doing it for him too, but just for me.
    He texted again before I could gather a response. I don't mean that I won't do it.
    "I know." I wasn't trying to be harsh, I just didn't know what else to say. I was hurt.
    Babe...please don't be mad at me :(
    I explained that I wasn't mad, just that it had made me a little sad, to which he responded that he shouldn't have said anything at all. I told him that I liked talking about it, and that I wanted to know how he felt. Positive or negative. He told me he didn't like upsetting me, but I argued that I would rather know and I didn't want him to be pretending to like something, or just doing it for my sake. I asked if it was just punishment he didn't like, or maintenance too?
    It's not that I dont like them, it's just hard for me still to make you cry.
    As most of you know, it's not easy for me to talk about my feelings or my needs, especially when it comes to ttwd. But here, I knew that I had to just open up and let it all out. I explained that the spankings that make me cry are the ones that make me feel closer to him. That letting myself be open and vulnerable enough to cry during a spanking and feeling safe enough to do so strengthened my trust in him, further cemented my feelings for him. I told him that while I do lovelovelove my good girl spankings, and that I dislike punishments and maintenance while they're happening, they're the ones that "reset" me and make me feel cared for and loved. After typing out my rather long response, I hesitated before pressing send, and when I finally did, I felt anxious and breathless while I waited for his answer.
    After what felt like forever, all he said was I know baby.
    GAH! "I'm sorry," I texted.
    He didn't want me to be sorry. He told me that it's just the psychology of him hurting me, thats hard for him to get past. He promised that he understood how I felt, and why it works, but that it's still just hard for him.
    And then it hit me. What a lucky girl I am. He cares for me so much that even though I ask him to, he finds it hard to "hurt" me. I realized how many men in the world would take the power and control that I willingly offer to J and abuse it, use it to their advantage and to make their women feel badly, and probably really hurt them. He cares so much for me that even though it makes him uncomfortable, and even though it's emotionally hard for him to do it, he spanks me because it's what I need. He graciously accepts the power and control I offer him and uses it sparingly, while taking my thoughts, feelings, and needs into consideration before doing anything.
    I told him I was sorry that it was hard for him, and that sometimes I forget this doesn't come naturally to him. I told him that I appreciate that it's hard for him and that I realize that's a good thing! I told him how grateful I am that he's willing to still give me what I need even though it's hard for him.

    The conversation ended there but I think this was an important breakthrough for us.