change is in the air.

Sorry guys, its been a while! Things on the homefront have been WONDERFUL. Out of respect for my husband and for our marriage, I have done a lot of heavy thinking and re-evaluating of the things that I feel I want and need out of him. Then, I wrote them down in a series of notes, each of which we discussed after he read them. Things have been much better. J has been more firm, more vocal, and more consistent with discipline. He seems to finally be getting comfortable and accepting his role as my leader / dominant. My love for him has only grown over this journey together, and I know our bond is only growing stronger.

We have implemented a "weekly goals" list, that J writes at the beginning of each week. If the list is not complete by the end of the week, I will be punished in addition to my weekly maintenance spanking. Last week I did not finish the list, and J followed through and punsihed me. I am starting to feel like we are really figuring this out and it's starting to work :)

On the downside, J begins working on the night shift (3 - 11) again tomorrow night until the school year is over. It's a good thing in some ways because he receives a shift differential so we will have more money coming in, but on the other side of things, I hardly see him when he is on nights because we have almost opposite schedules. He is often asleep when I leave for work and I am often asleep when he comes home, so the weekends are our only time together. Not only does this put the regular stress of not seeing each other on our relationship, but we are trying to have a baby, and being limited to the weekends and RARE weeknights is not going to help our chances :-/ ... I just have to remember to be patient and it will happen when it's meant to. It's all just very overwhelming to think about.

Well, thats about all thats going on in my life right now. Hope everyone is well !! :)

liberator!

I ordered a piece of Liberator furniture off the website, from the "black label" collection. I chose the hipster because it it perfectly shaped for bending over for that good spanking I so often need. The black label collection conveniently has a bunch of buckles on it that when combined with the cuff package, turns into wonderful retsraints :) It is comfortable, thrilling, and it makes sex 1000X hotter! We give it an A+!!

Jack has spent the day in the basement with his brother putting up a wall. His brother had to leave for a short time to bring his step daughter to a friends house. When he left, Jack came up from the basement, and poked his head into the bedroom. "I'm going to take a quick shower," he said, coming down the stairs to get clean underwear. He grabbed the new furniture, cuffs attached, and tossed it on top of the bed. "When I get out of the shower, you're getting a 'pankin'!" and off he went. True to his word, he was done pretty quickly, and ordered me up over the hipster. This thing is cushy, but firm enough that when correctly draped across, it presents your bottom at the perfect angle! He gently fastened the cuffs on both of my wrists. Once I was buckled in, he slipped my shorts down, displaying my black lacy panties. He started spanking me firmly on my bottom. I wiggled and moaned, and he quickly tugged my panties down to spank my bare cheeks. As a warm pink started to glow on my once creamy skin, he stood up and went to the punishment drawer, pulling out the black strap. My heart started to pound in my chest. Lately, leather was my worst enemy. I winced as I felt him sit back down on the bed beside me. He brought the strap down in full, crisp strokes in a solid rhythm. I begged him to slow down, and he graciously left a slightly longer gap between smacks. He paused, clearing his throat.
   I twisted, to look at him as he spoke, panting over the foam hipster.
   "Since you're getting you're real spanking later, I'm going to go easy on you. You're going to get 40 on each cheek with this, and then we're going to be done." he told me firmly.
    I felt like my eyeballs might fall out of my head. "What!" I cried. "that's not going easy, 40 on each?! Can't you please use your hand, I really don't think I can do that," I pleaded.
   He shook his head. Much to his credit, his deep voice murmured, "Yes you can, honey. Get over...."
   (I had wiggled my bottom right off the furniture.) I whimpered. "No, I really don't think I can,"
   He didn't say anything...but he didn't have to.
   I straightened myself out over it and let him give me 40 on one cheek. I bounced around trying to avoid it's stinging kiss, and by the end of the first set I already felt like I couldn't take another single swat. I blurted out. "NO! Please, wait, please hand me my Stitch I can't reach him, please..." I begged.
    My sweet, darling husband reached out and grabbed my beloved stuffed animal off the floor and wedged him beneath my restrained arm so I could cuddle against him. Then he lifted the strap and lit into me, 40 burning, blazing swats. Afterward, he un-cuffed me and rubbed lotion into my sore cheeks. "Looks like there'll be some bruises with this one," he whispered softly. "Sorry my love," he pulled me close, kissing my hair.
    I shake my head. "No sorries. Thank you sir."

:)

( ... nervous for the "real" spanking, if earlier's was "going easy"!!!)

see-saw

I am so confused. I feel like once we get things on track and I finally feel like we're headed in the direction I would like us to be, we flip right back to where we were before. I am not totally sure that Jack is cut out for the whole DD liftestyle. I do not believe that he will ever take full control, it doesnt seem like he is comfortable doing so, and not only that but he almost acts as if he's against it.

Last night, I shared a video with him that I really like. It is a Firm Hand video with Samantha who is punished for going overboard when drinking and becoming nasty and mean with her husband. I am very shy and self-conscious about my interests and desires when it comes to spanking, and it is hard for me to communicate the things that I like/want, especially when it feels like he is weirded out by it. I felt like sharing this video might give him some insight, and/or open the door for a little bit of conversation about it. Instead, a few minutes into the video (only a cpl swats in) he says, "I don't know about this, it's almost like he's beating her." Immediately I stopped the video and shut the computer down, completely deflated and feeling stupid for wanting to show him. We didn't have a conversation about this after, and I am hesitant to do so. Here's why:
1) I know that he loves me with all of his heart and he would do most anything to make me happy. I don't want to guilt him into doing things that he doesnt like or want to do.
2) I am terrified that he is going to tell me that he is done with all of this.
3) Last night, I was so hurt and embarassed by his comment that I am afraid similar statements might be uttered during the conversation, and I'm not entirely sure I could handle that.

I don't know what to do.

spanking prematurely ended...

Okay. This one really upset me, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Maybe that's my problem, maybe I think too much. Friday night Jack was spanking me with the hair brush and the black strap, and I was having a hard time lying still (or quiet). I put my hands back a few times, and finally, Jack gave up. At first I thought he was giving me a break and I lay motionless, panting over the piled pillows. But then he didn't pick up the strap again. He just laid down on his side of the bed, and started flipping through the channels. I had no idea how to react. I felt horrible, like I was some naughty child too wild to be controlled, so it was considered a lost cause. I knew that he stopped only because he felt like he was being mean by spanking me when I was putting up such a fight, and that broke my heart even more because I had been aware of how hard it was for him, and still couldn't manage to keep myself under control. Has anyone else experienced this? What do I do? :(

scolding during a spanking?

Jack hardly ever scolds me, and out of those times, maybe once or twice has he even been serious about it. He does not scold during the spanking, and never EVER mentions the "misdeed" after the spanking is complete. If anything is said at all, he will mention it shortly before the spanking. I sort of wish that he would take issue with something, genuinely scold me for something. I am not sure if he is uncomfortable with controlling me? Has anyone had a similar experience and worked through it? How did you approach it? Is anyone involved with someone who does scold them during a spanking? Appreciate feedback :)

battle of wills (inside myself?)

   I have not quite been able to fathom my feelings and actions lately. I brat and brat until J says I'm going to be spanked, but as soon as he does, I back pedal and plead to be let out of it. I pout and whine to no end. To top it all off, when he gives in to me and lets me "off the hook" (which he often does,) I become angry and frustrated! I don't understand what is wrong with me, and I can't figure out how to explain to J that deep down I really do want him to spank me, even when I'm begging him not to.

honeymoon and party

We spent five wonderful days in Montego Bay, Jamaica on our honeymoon. It was absolutely amazing. The water was beautiful, and soo warm. The people were so friendly and kind, and as far as honeymoons go, it couldnt have been more romantic. There were playful spankings and passionate love making. We hiked Dunns River Falls and visited Dolphin Cove, where I was able to touch a shark! It was SOO much fun! When we got home, my father threw an incredible reception party for us, where we partied all night long. Last night, the first night in a full week where we had no plans other than to spend time together, we had a reminder spanking before bed. I was spanked with both straps, the paddle, and the 5 rod cane. After he'd given me 20 on each cheek with both straps, 23 on each with the cane, and 40 on each with the paddle, he held me in his arms. I could feel inside me the frustration and turmoil and very quietly I whispered, "baby?"
    He paused, and said "yes?"
    My voice faltered and I lost the courage to ask.
    "You want more?" he asked gently.
    I nodded.
    "Go to the drawer and choose something," he told me.
    I got up and carried the paddle back, despite my burning backside.
    He laid me over his lap and started to rub in a warming cream.
    My backside started to tingle and burn and I wiggled around, trying to extinguish the fire.
    Before I knew what was happening, he'd picked up the paddle and started paddling my bottom hard and fast. I hadnt even put my hands back at all until now. I couldn't help it. But he just grabbed it, moved it aside and kept spanking. He brought it lower, spanking right where my bottom meets my thigh.
     I squealed and squeezed my eyes shut and held my breath and did all in my power not to cry. But as the paddle came faster and harder, its relentless sting building and fueling the fire already there, my walls began to crumble and I collasped, exhausted, into a heap of tears.
     He stopped immediately and pulled me into his arms, kissing my forehead and whispering "I love you"s.

It feels good to be home again :)