It was a rough weekend. I had a pretty good idea in advance that it was going to be, but I had held out hope for something different. I just couldn't pull it together.
Saturday marked seven years since the day my mom passed away. Seven years sounds like a long time. It's only a little less than a third of my lifetime. I was kind of blown away that it has been seven years since her death, because the grief still feels so fresh. J had to work all day, so I didn't have the option of curling up into a ball and sleeping until the day was over like I wanted to. I spent the day with my son, appreciating each second with him just a little more than usual. I was missing J though. It's hard to explain, but for some reason, when he's near .. I feel strong. I can take on anything when he's by my side. I wasn't feeling any of my own strength and I was desperate to feel his.
Cue cramps from hell and headache, with my period just a couple of hours behind them. Perfect. The girl I used to be best friends with (like sisters) visited home for the weekend and totally blew me off.
When J got home from work, it was after 8 and I was just finishing up dinner for the two of us. He took a quick shower and we ate together, then watched a movie I rented from Redbox.
I waited and waited for him to bring up maintenance, but he didn't. I wondered if maybe he was waiting for the end of the movie, so I didn't say anything. By the time the movie ended, though, we were both dozing off and he asked me if he could spank me Sunday instead. I mumbled yes and quickly gathered the covers up around me, rolling so I was facing away from him. I felt like he'd taken my heart into the palm of his hand and then squeezed his hand shut around it. I'm not sure why it was so upsetting, but I am almost positive that the other things I had going on factored into it. I was feeling so many things at once, and I was overwhelmed and confused.
He picked up pretty quickly that I was upset and he told me to get up and get the paddle so he could spank me, but I simply shook my head. He was exhausted, and he fell asleep without another word.
Sunday morning, when the baby was taking his first nap of the day and J and I were sitting in the living room, he turned to look at me. "Go get the paddle." he said.
I shook my head. "No," I protested. "Not out here.."
"Go get it, now. Or I'll get the loopy."
Pouting, I walked slowly to the bedroom to retrieve the paddle. I brought it back to him, my bottom lip sticking out so far I'm surprised I didn't trip on it.
"Don't worry, it's only going to be a little one." he assured me. "Part one...the rest you'll get later." he made me bend over and stick my bottom up in the air, then started to paddle me over my panties.
He kept his word. It was a short one, though it did sting like hell. Those darn hormones really do a number on my pain tolerance.
The rest of the day went fairly well. It was nice being able to spend the entire day with J and the baby, as a family. We don't get very many days like that.
After the baby went to sleep, we climbed into bed together and watched a movie. About halfway through, my eyelids started feeling heavy. I murmured to J that I was getting sleepy. In other words, Hint hint .. now would be a good time to finish up that paddling. I'm getting tired, and will probably be sleeping soon. He told me to try to stay awake since I'd rented the movie from OnDemand.
Somehow, I managed to perk myself up, and avoid falling asleep. J wasn't so lucky. He fell asleep with about 20 minutes left to the movie. As soon as I heard him snoring, my head jerked back and I saw him lying beside me, sound asleep. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes, and before I knew it, I was full-on crying. I felt so .. forgotten, unimportant. Apparently I was crying loud enough to wake J, and he said, "Baby, get the paddle."
"NO." I pulled the covers over my head, still crying pretty hard. The last thing I wanted now was a spanking. I believed, in that state of mind, that if he hadn't woken up to me crying, he wouldn't have had a clue that he'd missed anything. I couldn't bear taking what was, in my mind, a pity spanking.
"What? Go get the paddle!" he insisted.
I didn't even bother with a response this time.
His voice changed now, and his tone was low. "Get the paddle or I will get the loopy."
My tummy flip flopped, but I didn't budge. An electric surge of defiance flashed through me and I said boldly, "NO!"
He sounded shocked, the poor guy. "You're not going to get it?" he asked, rising from the bed and going to the drawer. He was moving fast. He came back and attempted to roll me over.
I resisted, still crying. "Babe, no..." I whimpered.
He deflated, I saw him. He put the loopy down and got back into bed, holding his arms out to me. He held me, and soothed me, and fell back asleep.
Once I was able to regain my composure and think about what had happened between us, I wrote him an email. I apologized for not submitting. I explained why I didn't, and then I admitted that I wasn't sure if I did the right thing by refusing to do as he said, and that I wondered if I should have submitted to it and then brought my concerns to him afterward. I knew that the way I handled it wasn't right, that was for sure. I kept seeing his shoulders slump when he realized I wasn't going to submit, and it broke my heart. I felt like a bad submissive.
In the morning, J read the email and replied. He explained his side of the story, and told me I should have listened to him. He assured me that I was not an afterthought, and that he hadn't meant to fall asleep. He hadn't gotten much in the past few days.
I apologized again for not obeying. He told me not to be sorry, and dropped the subject.
Later in the day, while the baby napped, J and I were lying in our bed next to each other. I was on my belly and he was playing with the pockets on my butt.
"I know why they put pockets on your pants," he joked. "To protect your bum from punishment."
"A lot of good that is," I giggled. "When have I ever had a punishment over pants?"
"Do you want one?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"I think you should have the loopy." he said, and my heart nearly stopped, I swear.
"No, I don't want one.." I whined.
After a moment's deliberation, he decided on the hairbrush. When he got up to get it, I asked if I could use the bathroom first. I thought, by the look on his face, that he wasn't going to let me. But he did. When I came back, he positioned me at the corner of the bed, and bent me over. He moved my body the way he wanted it, and then told me "I want you to stay just like this." He told me it would be four full minutes, and put that hairbrush to good use.
Hot damn, did it hurt. Normally, it is difficult for me to stay in position in situations like these. I dont do well holding positions where I am standing and bent over. My knees collapse a lot or I end up falling forward on the bed. I often have a hard time keeping my hands out of the way.
Not this time. I stayed in position, though I was thankful for his hand on my waist, holding me steady. I did not put my feet up or fall onto the bed. My hands didn't leave the mattress once. There were several times during the spanking when I had an overwhelming urge to put my hand back, to do anything I could do protect my bum. Even stronger than this, though, was my need to prove that I could be a good girl. I wanted to show him that I could obey him like I should. I didn't utter a single word while he spanked, even fought the urge to ask how many minutes I had left. It felt like forever. At some point, I stopped even feeling the spanking itself. I could feel my bottom burning, but the individual blows couldn't be distinguished. I sobbed softly, repeating to myself in my head over and over "stay just like this, stay just like this. It's only four minutes."
He wasn't taking it easy on me. Even over jeans, it hurt like hell. He spanked hard, focusing on my sit spot several times, and landing a couple nasty swats on my thighs too. When he finally finished, he helped me stand, and held me against his chest while I sobbed. He asked if I felt better.
I did. I felt proud of myself for the level of submission I was able to acheive. It probably doesn't seem like much to most, but to be able to tune everything else out and just take it without an ounce of resistance or even a whimpered plea for mercy was huge for me. I asked if I did a good job and he assured me I had. After he left for work, I sent him a text apologizing one last time for the way I reacted last night. I explained to him what was bothering me so much about it, why I felt like such a bad submissive for it. I told him that I don't want to only submit to him when it's easy, and that it's not truly submission if it's always on my terms. I apologized for not accepting that he's the one who decides when and why I get spanked. He told me that he accepts my apology, which means a lot to me. He often tells me I don't need to be sorry for something or tells me not to apologize, so for him to accept my apology felt good.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Running the Gamut
She is bent over a pile of blankets in the middle of the bed, grasping the sheets in her clenched fists. She cries out, drums her feet against the lumpy mattress, once in a while she throws her hand back to protect her bottom but none of it deters him.
He paddles her with the hair brush, not only on her bottom but on her legs, too. He instructs her to spread them and he gives her several stinging swats on the insides of each one. Soon, he pauses, and smiles to himself. "I made a heart!" he tells her proudly. "Where's your phone?" he locates it quickly and takes a picture so she can see. "Bring out the red, so you can really see it. I'm going to ruin the heart now, so enjoy it." He spanks her again with the brush, this time with gusto. After a moment or so he stops, and rises, leaving the bed.
She thinks he is done. After all, she had asked for a little spanking before bed...it wasn't like she was in trouble or anything.
But he knows that she needs more than a little spanking, and he intends on giving her exactly what she needs. He comes back to the bed with an array of implements. "We're going to play a game," he tells her. "We haven't done this in a long time."
She groans inwardly, knowing what game he means. When he asks her to tell him what he wants her to do, she says, "Guess the implement..." She hates this game! Immediately, she starts fearing the bite of the loopy, because she knows he's likely to use all the implements they own in this game of his.
He starts off with one of their straps, one that stings but really isn't all that bad, and is impressed when she knows immediately what it is. He gives her a few more whacks with it for good measure. Next he uses the naughty spatula, then the five fingered strap, followed by a ping pong paddle. He spanks her with each one until she can correctly guess what it is.
When the rubber flogger comes into play, she purposely doesn't say what it is for quite a while because it feels soothing in comparison to the other more punishing implements that they own.
He laughs about this, and doesn't seem bothered by it. Once she tells him what it is, he continues on through their arsenal, including several other paddles, another strap, the loopy! and a short otk acrylic cane.
She is crying real tears by the end.
"Now, for this last one..." his voice booms behind her.
Her heart pounds and when he asks what she thinks it is, she whimpers through her tears, "I don't knooow, sir.." and buries her head in the covers. She feels his hands start rubbing her bottom and when he says, "I'm just going to put lotion on you baby," she starts sobbing.
"Good girl," he tells her softly as he spreads soothing cream over her blazing backside. "It's all over, are you okay?"
She assures him that she is more than okay, and she sniffles into his chest contendedly as he holds her close. She is once again amazed at how well he knows her and her needs.
He paddles her with the hair brush, not only on her bottom but on her legs, too. He instructs her to spread them and he gives her several stinging swats on the insides of each one. Soon, he pauses, and smiles to himself. "I made a heart!" he tells her proudly. "Where's your phone?" he locates it quickly and takes a picture so she can see. "Bring out the red, so you can really see it. I'm going to ruin the heart now, so enjoy it." He spanks her again with the brush, this time with gusto. After a moment or so he stops, and rises, leaving the bed.
She thinks he is done. After all, she had asked for a little spanking before bed...it wasn't like she was in trouble or anything.
But he knows that she needs more than a little spanking, and he intends on giving her exactly what she needs. He comes back to the bed with an array of implements. "We're going to play a game," he tells her. "We haven't done this in a long time."
She groans inwardly, knowing what game he means. When he asks her to tell him what he wants her to do, she says, "Guess the implement..." She hates this game! Immediately, she starts fearing the bite of the loopy, because she knows he's likely to use all the implements they own in this game of his.
He starts off with one of their straps, one that stings but really isn't all that bad, and is impressed when she knows immediately what it is. He gives her a few more whacks with it for good measure. Next he uses the naughty spatula, then the five fingered strap, followed by a ping pong paddle. He spanks her with each one until she can correctly guess what it is.
When the rubber flogger comes into play, she purposely doesn't say what it is for quite a while because it feels soothing in comparison to the other more punishing implements that they own.
He laughs about this, and doesn't seem bothered by it. Once she tells him what it is, he continues on through their arsenal, including several other paddles, another strap, the loopy! and a short otk acrylic cane.
She is crying real tears by the end.
"Now, for this last one..." his voice booms behind her.
Her heart pounds and when he asks what she thinks it is, she whimpers through her tears, "I don't knooow, sir.." and buries her head in the covers. She feels his hands start rubbing her bottom and when he says, "I'm just going to put lotion on you baby," she starts sobbing.
"Good girl," he tells her softly as he spreads soothing cream over her blazing backside. "It's all over, are you okay?"
She assures him that she is more than okay, and she sniffles into his chest contendedly as he holds her close. She is once again amazed at how well he knows her and her needs.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
ONLY 3 WEEKS LEFT?!
That's right, boys and girls. Three weeks until Valentine's Day!! I would love to tell you all that I have something wonderful planned for J's gift, but ... I don't. I have tried over and over to think of something romantic, but my brain is fried. I can't think of anything original, and I don't want to give him something cheesy. Then I thought, what better gift than sex toys!? I knew I could count on EdenFantasys to find something steamy that will make us both happy on Valentine's Day. Like many others, I'm sure, our budget for sex toys and the like isn't huge, which is why I was so pleased when I looked at the promotions that EdenFantasys is offering right now. They have something for everyone!
I was stunned at all the different things to choose from, all at a reasonable price. For those looking for something they can use with their partner, there are great deals on couples toys. There are pages and pages of adventurous toys to browse in this section! If you're on the shy side but still want to spice up your night time fun, choose a sexy piece of lingerie or a naughty costume ;) I'm thinking of buying a corset! Or maybe a school girl outfit? Think of all the fun! You also have the option to create a kit (you choose a few items from provided lists) ... which if you're looking to have some fun with minimal cost, is where I'd look! They are also offering deals if you buy certain products, you get another product free. Be sure to check out everything on the promotions page!
If you're like me, and haven't had the time or inspiration to think about Valentine's Day presents, take a look over at EdenFantasys. You won't regret it!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Taking it Seriously and Having Fun
If you read my last post, you know that the discipline dynamic is very important to me. Knowing that he is there to pull me up by the bootstraps if I fall short, to correct me and guide me in the right direction is something, quite frankly, that I need.
J is very easy going and laid back, and I'm pretty well behaved ;) so there's very little need for punishment ... which is the way I like it. However, it's sometimes hard to still feel connected to that dynamic when he's not asserting his control and imposing discipline.
Which is why we first implemented maintenance. Over the last few months, though, as J has found more pleasure in the erotic side of D/s and spanking, the tone had somewhat shifted. Maintenance all but disappeared and in its place came sexy good girl spankings and lots of play time. I could feel the shift taking place but I didn't see a problem with it. I so love my good girl spankings!! Over a little more time, though, it was becoming increasingly clear to me that I was not okay with it. Not that I wanted any less sexy time, but I found myself craving the discipline. Because of this, I was acting out and pulling an attitude and it took some time for me to figure out thats what was going on.
I wrote a post on our private blog about the way things have been going. I wrote about all the growth I've seen in both of us, and how much I love and appreciate all he does. I explained about maintenance and how I was feeling torn between loving my good girl attentions and needing the discipline. I asked if we could make it more formal and structured, to turn it back into a more serious affair rather than something playful. Yeah, you could call me crazy.
Once he'd had a chance to read the novel...I mean blog post....he apologized for letting it get so lax, and agreed to make it more structured again.
I realized, while I was in deep thinking mode, that J had never agreed that discipline was something that he wanted. I mean, he's grown into his role so well that I'd forgotten that small detail.
Obviously, he agreed to it. But he admitted from the get-go that he was doing it for me.
This was never something that thrilled me, but it was something that I could live with. I believed deep down that he would realize how wonderful it was for us and that he would change his mind about it. Like I said, he grew into his role...and I was convinced that he was on board, that he was benefiting as well. Last weekend, he said something after a spanking that made me question all of the progress we've made. To be fair, he hadn't meant it the way I took it. It doesn't matter. The point is, I suddenly was very concerned with whether he wanted this or not. It took me awhile to work up the courage to ask, but his response was exactly what I needed to hear.
We have also been exploring the sexual side of D/s, and having a lot of fun with it. I am greatly enjoying what it is bringing out in both of us. As J's confidence and dominance grows in the bedroom, I feel it strengthen outside of the bedroom as well. Life is good :)
J is very easy going and laid back, and I'm pretty well behaved ;) so there's very little need for punishment ... which is the way I like it. However, it's sometimes hard to still feel connected to that dynamic when he's not asserting his control and imposing discipline.
Which is why we first implemented maintenance. Over the last few months, though, as J has found more pleasure in the erotic side of D/s and spanking, the tone had somewhat shifted. Maintenance all but disappeared and in its place came sexy good girl spankings and lots of play time. I could feel the shift taking place but I didn't see a problem with it. I so love my good girl spankings!! Over a little more time, though, it was becoming increasingly clear to me that I was not okay with it. Not that I wanted any less sexy time, but I found myself craving the discipline. Because of this, I was acting out and pulling an attitude and it took some time for me to figure out thats what was going on.
I wrote a post on our private blog about the way things have been going. I wrote about all the growth I've seen in both of us, and how much I love and appreciate all he does. I explained about maintenance and how I was feeling torn between loving my good girl attentions and needing the discipline. I asked if we could make it more formal and structured, to turn it back into a more serious affair rather than something playful. Yeah, you could call me crazy.
Once he'd had a chance to read the novel...I mean blog post....he apologized for letting it get so lax, and agreed to make it more structured again.
I realized, while I was in deep thinking mode, that J had never agreed that discipline was something that he wanted. I mean, he's grown into his role so well that I'd forgotten that small detail.
Obviously, he agreed to it. But he admitted from the get-go that he was doing it for me.
This was never something that thrilled me, but it was something that I could live with. I believed deep down that he would realize how wonderful it was for us and that he would change his mind about it. Like I said, he grew into his role...and I was convinced that he was on board, that he was benefiting as well. Last weekend, he said something after a spanking that made me question all of the progress we've made. To be fair, he hadn't meant it the way I took it. It doesn't matter. The point is, I suddenly was very concerned with whether he wanted this or not. It took me awhile to work up the courage to ask, but his response was exactly what I needed to hear.
We have also been exploring the sexual side of D/s, and having a lot of fun with it. I am greatly enjoying what it is bringing out in both of us. As J's confidence and dominance grows in the bedroom, I feel it strengthen outside of the bedroom as well. Life is good :)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
My Need For Punishment
I have been doing a lot of thinking about punishment, and what part it plays in my spanko-ness. Like your typical spanko, even as a child, spanking was something that stood out to me. I was spanked by my father, but that was different somehow. I avoided spankings from him at all costs...I hardly ever got them unless he was in a really bad mood because I learned how to stay out of his way, avoid him, and do what I was supposed to. There was nothing loving about his spankings, usually he would grab you by your arm or ear and swat you hard a few times, and yell about whatever you'd done wrong. There was no discussion about your mistakes, no explanation as to why it was wrong or what could be done instead. There was no forgiveness afterward, no hugs or reassurances. Sometimes you'd get yelled at again. I hated it. If one of my siblings was about to get spanked I'd hide somewhere I couldn't hear ... I used to tremble listening to it. Don't get me wrong, my dad is a good guy .. he's just old school, and parents the same way his father did.
The spankings I wrote about in my stories (yes, I remember being as young as 10 or 11 and writing stories centered around spanking, and drawing pictures of people being spanked, too) were not like that. They were loving, and forgiving, and comforting. They weren't graphic, and were always pretty much about a kid my age being punished for something they'd done wrong. As I got into my teens and started liking boys, the story lines to my stories changed slightly. Often I wrote about a girl being punished by her boyfriend, or best guy friend. Sometimes I wrote about friends being punished together.
One thing remained pretty constant, though. It was always about discipline. I never really thought about it before, but once I did, I just attributed it to not knowing about other aspects of spanking in the past. That discipline was all I knew spanking was and could be, so I didn't link it mentally to anything sexual. Except that once I did link it to my sexuality, it was still the discipline aspect that drew me.
Before I had ever had my first adult spanking, I had imagined it hundreds upon thousands of times, I'm sure. I'd misbehaved in some way, and I was called to task by a rugged, stern man. There was always a little scolding, a very red bottom, and tears involved in these fantasies. Now that I have been spanked for real, I know that things are not always the same in real life as they are in fantasies. Spankings hurt like hell, for one. Second, it's not actually fulfilling to be punished when you know it comes at the cost of disappointing someone you love very dearly. Letting him down is the worst consequence imaginable.
Something else I've learned is that all spankings are not the same. For example, a short, light spanking accompanied by firm scolding has a completely different effect than a hard spanking with dirty words whispered in your ear. Personally, I can tolerate a lot less when I am in trouble rather than when he's spanking for the fun of it. It all has to do with the context. This is something I had not realized before I'd actually been spanked, and quite a few times. I had always assumed that a spanking was a spanking and I'd always have the same reaction to it no matter what.
Now that I've done more extensive thinking about it, I've drawn several conclusions about my need to be held accountable. I have extremely high expectations of myself, much higher than most people would expect of another person. I'm not saying it's bad to have high expectations for yourself, in fact it makes it so that I don't get punished often. If J asks me to do something, 9 times out of 10 it will get done, not because I don't want to be punished but because I feel like I HAVE to if he asks me to. I think that ties in a bit to my submissive personality because when J asks me to do anything, I feel a driving need to do it, and do it perfectly. I feel it's my responsibility to please him .. and if I don't do something he asked or if I behave in a way that is less than what he deserves, even if it wasn't discipline worthy, I have deep feelings of guilt. I know when I've screwed up, and a lot of times, J hasn't even noticed my slight resistance or misdeed, when it's all I've been thinking about. One of the downfalls to this is when I really cant do something he's asked, I feel terrible about it. It doesn't matter if it's something he really wants me to do, or something he wouldn't mind if I waited on, if he's asked me, I feel bad not doing it. That's just how I am, I suppose. I think I'm getting a little sidetracked, but my point is that when I feel guilty about something I've done, and J hasnt noticed whatever it was I did, it feels like he doesnt care how I act or treat him. Which of course is not the case, but that's how my silly brain works. I want to treat J the way he deserves to be treated, all the time. Unfortunately, when I am stressed about something, J is the one who ends up bearing the brunt of my frustrations. It's never intentional, but it happens time and time again. Sometimes, even when it's happening and I'm acting like that, I can see what an insufferableb brat I'm being, and I hate myself for it. I want to stop, to turn my attitude around and be the girl he wants and needs. There are times that I can do that. There are also times when no matter how much I want to, I cannot do that. It feels like I'm running down a hill toward a big mud puddle and I've gotten going so fast that I can't stop myself, my feet are just going and going, a mind of their own. Sometimes, I just need help stopping.
Being held accountable is actually a huge relief. It helps relieve the intense guilt for doing something wrong, and it's an assurance that there is a way to get through problems. I hate when people are angry or upset with me. It makes me feel sad and depressed, and that feeling is magnified by thousands if J is the one who's angry or upset at me. Having discipline also helps me work through those feelings, and the fear of J getting angry or disappointed in me. Simply knowing there's a system in place, that once I am punished for it, it's forgiven .. that's just huge for me. So while I do not enjoy being legitimately punished, it does make me feel .. content. It fills a part deep inside of me that was left empty for a long time, and it feels good to feel like a whole me. The real me.
The spankings I wrote about in my stories (yes, I remember being as young as 10 or 11 and writing stories centered around spanking, and drawing pictures of people being spanked, too) were not like that. They were loving, and forgiving, and comforting. They weren't graphic, and were always pretty much about a kid my age being punished for something they'd done wrong. As I got into my teens and started liking boys, the story lines to my stories changed slightly. Often I wrote about a girl being punished by her boyfriend, or best guy friend. Sometimes I wrote about friends being punished together.
One thing remained pretty constant, though. It was always about discipline. I never really thought about it before, but once I did, I just attributed it to not knowing about other aspects of spanking in the past. That discipline was all I knew spanking was and could be, so I didn't link it mentally to anything sexual. Except that once I did link it to my sexuality, it was still the discipline aspect that drew me.
Before I had ever had my first adult spanking, I had imagined it hundreds upon thousands of times, I'm sure. I'd misbehaved in some way, and I was called to task by a rugged, stern man. There was always a little scolding, a very red bottom, and tears involved in these fantasies. Now that I have been spanked for real, I know that things are not always the same in real life as they are in fantasies. Spankings hurt like hell, for one. Second, it's not actually fulfilling to be punished when you know it comes at the cost of disappointing someone you love very dearly. Letting him down is the worst consequence imaginable.
Something else I've learned is that all spankings are not the same. For example, a short, light spanking accompanied by firm scolding has a completely different effect than a hard spanking with dirty words whispered in your ear. Personally, I can tolerate a lot less when I am in trouble rather than when he's spanking for the fun of it. It all has to do with the context. This is something I had not realized before I'd actually been spanked, and quite a few times. I had always assumed that a spanking was a spanking and I'd always have the same reaction to it no matter what.
Now that I've done more extensive thinking about it, I've drawn several conclusions about my need to be held accountable. I have extremely high expectations of myself, much higher than most people would expect of another person. I'm not saying it's bad to have high expectations for yourself, in fact it makes it so that I don't get punished often. If J asks me to do something, 9 times out of 10 it will get done, not because I don't want to be punished but because I feel like I HAVE to if he asks me to. I think that ties in a bit to my submissive personality because when J asks me to do anything, I feel a driving need to do it, and do it perfectly. I feel it's my responsibility to please him .. and if I don't do something he asked or if I behave in a way that is less than what he deserves, even if it wasn't discipline worthy, I have deep feelings of guilt. I know when I've screwed up, and a lot of times, J hasn't even noticed my slight resistance or misdeed, when it's all I've been thinking about. One of the downfalls to this is when I really cant do something he's asked, I feel terrible about it. It doesn't matter if it's something he really wants me to do, or something he wouldn't mind if I waited on, if he's asked me, I feel bad not doing it. That's just how I am, I suppose. I think I'm getting a little sidetracked, but my point is that when I feel guilty about something I've done, and J hasnt noticed whatever it was I did, it feels like he doesnt care how I act or treat him. Which of course is not the case, but that's how my silly brain works. I want to treat J the way he deserves to be treated, all the time. Unfortunately, when I am stressed about something, J is the one who ends up bearing the brunt of my frustrations. It's never intentional, but it happens time and time again. Sometimes, even when it's happening and I'm acting like that, I can see what an insufferableb brat I'm being, and I hate myself for it. I want to stop, to turn my attitude around and be the girl he wants and needs. There are times that I can do that. There are also times when no matter how much I want to, I cannot do that. It feels like I'm running down a hill toward a big mud puddle and I've gotten going so fast that I can't stop myself, my feet are just going and going, a mind of their own. Sometimes, I just need help stopping.
Being held accountable is actually a huge relief. It helps relieve the intense guilt for doing something wrong, and it's an assurance that there is a way to get through problems. I hate when people are angry or upset with me. It makes me feel sad and depressed, and that feeling is magnified by thousands if J is the one who's angry or upset at me. Having discipline also helps me work through those feelings, and the fear of J getting angry or disappointed in me. Simply knowing there's a system in place, that once I am punished for it, it's forgiven .. that's just huge for me. So while I do not enjoy being legitimately punished, it does make me feel .. content. It fills a part deep inside of me that was left empty for a long time, and it feels good to feel like a whole me. The real me.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Catch Up - a quick update.
I'm a little late back, but I hope everyone had a great holiday. Ours was lovely .. it was our son's first Christmas, and he was one spoiled little man come Christmas morning! He had a blast tearing the paper off gifts all day, and he even got to eat some ham at Christmas breakfast at my dad's. I was one of the lucky ones who made it through the Holidays without a punishment, thanks mostly to J being very understanding about my stress level. Had he been a less patient man, I probably would have gotten my butt beat.
After a week and a half of being off work and home with my boys, it was extemely difficult to return to work. I cried that morning before leaving home. Some days it is still hard for me to get myself out of the house, all I want to do is stay home and take care of them. It's an odd feeling, really, because I do love my job, but I dread having to go!
My sister is home on break from school, and in two weeks is leaving for Italy for the semester. I am so happy and excited for her, because I know what an amazing experience she's going to have, but at the same time I am a little sad. I'm not going to see my sister for the next four months. She's going to be gone until my baby's first birthday! We are very close, and it's going to be hard for me to be that far from her for so long.
I dont know why I haven't been inspired to write lately. It's not that nothing is happening, because it is. Sometimes, I'll come up with a post in my head, it will sound really good, and then I'll hop on the computer to type it out and I totally blank. Either that or it ends up sounding stupid or not at all like I intended it to. It's been quite frustrating, so I thought about writing some fiction .. it turns out, that's not so easy for me right now either. Maybe it's all the other "little" things I've got floating around in my head that are taking up too much space. All I know is, I don't like it, and I hope it ends soon!!
I'm hosting a sex toy party on Friday, and I'm hoping that people actually show up! I invited quite a few people, through an event page on facebook, but only a couple people have RSVP'd so far. At any rate, at least after that I'll have something to write about! :)
After a week and a half of being off work and home with my boys, it was extemely difficult to return to work. I cried that morning before leaving home. Some days it is still hard for me to get myself out of the house, all I want to do is stay home and take care of them. It's an odd feeling, really, because I do love my job, but I dread having to go!
My sister is home on break from school, and in two weeks is leaving for Italy for the semester. I am so happy and excited for her, because I know what an amazing experience she's going to have, but at the same time I am a little sad. I'm not going to see my sister for the next four months. She's going to be gone until my baby's first birthday! We are very close, and it's going to be hard for me to be that far from her for so long.
I dont know why I haven't been inspired to write lately. It's not that nothing is happening, because it is. Sometimes, I'll come up with a post in my head, it will sound really good, and then I'll hop on the computer to type it out and I totally blank. Either that or it ends up sounding stupid or not at all like I intended it to. It's been quite frustrating, so I thought about writing some fiction .. it turns out, that's not so easy for me right now either. Maybe it's all the other "little" things I've got floating around in my head that are taking up too much space. All I know is, I don't like it, and I hope it ends soon!!
I'm hosting a sex toy party on Friday, and I'm hoping that people actually show up! I invited quite a few people, through an event page on facebook, but only a couple people have RSVP'd so far. At any rate, at least after that I'll have something to write about! :)
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Needing More
The past week or so I've been down. Just not feeling "right", for no real reason at all. I've had plenty of spankings, some little .. some not so little. They were nice, but when they ended, I was left with that empty, confused feeling. Like, you know you should be happy but you're just .. not. I knew I needed more, but I didn't want to admit it. Didn't want to have to ask.
Last night, I thought I could get myself spanked without having to actually ask for it. J and I were laying in bed together, my back pressed against his front. I kinda rubbed my booty on him and whispered, "I've been a bad girl."
To my dismay, he replied, "No, not really..."
My heart sank. Guys, if you have a spanko/submissive girl and she tells you she's been bad, she wants to be punished! sheesh. So, I rolled over and went to sleep.
This morning, the baby fell asleep just as J was getting in the shower. I climbed into bed in just a tshirt and undies, and waited for J. When he came in the room, I crawled to the end of the bed and stretched out, leaving my bum exposed. He sat down next to me and started whacking me, pretty hard. Then he'd slow down and just give me love pats, which was frustrating the hell out of me. I really needed a good, hard spanking...and I just wanted him to know what I needed. Totally unfair, but that wasn't even a thought in my mind at the time. I was just feeling lost, and I wanted him to come find me .. to lead me home. I just got up and he stopped spanking me. I withdrew. He tried to ask me what was wrong and I couldn't give him an answer. It sounded so stupid in my head, 'you weren't spanking me hard enough, you weren't serious...' and I certainly couldn't say "I need a spanking."
Later on, when the baby was having his second nap, he started asking me what I needed.
I looked at him seriously and said, "I can't say it." I was texting with a friend while he was talking to me.
"You can tell me." he insisted.
I shook my head.
He leaned over to see who I was texting with. He told me to tell her he said Merry Christmas.
I added "J says Merry Christmas" at the end of the text I was sending in reply.
She knew that he wanted my attention (she's a dd wife too, after all) and we ended our conversation.
Even though I really didn't want to, honestly thought I couldn't, he made me tell him what I needed. Not just once, but he made me repeat myself because I 'wasn't speaking loud enough'.
"What do you need?" he'd asked. "Tell me."
Finally, I whispered, "A spanking."
"What?" he asked.
"I just said it!" I cried, feeling my face flush bright red.
"I didn't hear you, it wasn't loud enough."
"A spanking," I said, just a little louder.
"You need a spanking?" he asked, grabbing my bum.
I nodded, avoiding eye contact. I was so embarassed.
"What do you want me to use?" he wanted to know.
I didn't want to choose. I didn't want control over anything. I told him, "Whatever you want to use."
He went to the drawer, and picked out the five fingered strap and the naughty spatula. He sat in his computer chair, and motioned for me to come to him. At my whimpered protests, he shook his head and repeated himself, more firmly.
The spanking started over his knee, with the naughty spatula. After a while this postion became harder to hold, and he had me bend over the arm of the loveseat. He continued for a bit with the spatula, then moved on to the five fingered strap.
I did not take this spanking gracefully. I had to be told many times to move my hands. I cried out, begged him to stop. It hurt, but it wasn't bringing me to the place I needed to be.
He talked to me, and asked me questions. He made me answer. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said, "Twenty more of each." He delivered them firmly.
When he'd finished, I was in that stage just before crying. I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but a lot of times before I actually cry, I "dry cry"...which means I'm basically crying, but there are no tears. I haven't fully let go. I lifted my head and watched him go to the drawer to put the implements away. I started to get up when I saw him pulling something else out .. the black strap. I whimpered. "Are you serious?"
He looked at me, very serious indeed. "I think you need more."
I buried my head, and thought I would cry right then. My butt already hurt and I didn't want any more.
"Am I wrong?" he asked, bringing the strap down on my sore bum.
I cried out, kicking my legs.
He repeated himself, then added, "Answer me."
"No sir," I answered softly, tears filling my eyes.
He got down to business then, setting my backside on fire. He told me a couple times to keep my hands out of the way, then eventually pinned them behind my back with one hand while he strapped me. At one point he paused to pull my pants down.
I started sobbing, and pulled my hand free, covering my burning cheeks.
Thankfully, he stopped, and walked away to put the strap back. When he came back to me, he pulled me to a standing position and into his strong arms. "I love you baby," he murmured. "Are you okay?"
"Yes sir, I love you too." I answered quietly through my tears. I cried for a few minutes, and felt much, much better afterward. I curled up on the bed, and he laid down beside me.
"Was that what you needed?" he asked.
I nodded. I was slightly embarassed, but I wanted to tell him anything he wanted to know.
"What was it that did it, the little extra at the end to just set you over?"
"I guess.."
He held me, and hugged me, and kissed me. He told me how much he loves me. Then he showed me just how much he loves me. Reminded me that I belong to him, and he to me. It was just the reset that I needed.
Last night, I thought I could get myself spanked without having to actually ask for it. J and I were laying in bed together, my back pressed against his front. I kinda rubbed my booty on him and whispered, "I've been a bad girl."
To my dismay, he replied, "No, not really..."
My heart sank. Guys, if you have a spanko/submissive girl and she tells you she's been bad, she wants to be punished! sheesh. So, I rolled over and went to sleep.
This morning, the baby fell asleep just as J was getting in the shower. I climbed into bed in just a tshirt and undies, and waited for J. When he came in the room, I crawled to the end of the bed and stretched out, leaving my bum exposed. He sat down next to me and started whacking me, pretty hard. Then he'd slow down and just give me love pats, which was frustrating the hell out of me. I really needed a good, hard spanking...and I just wanted him to know what I needed. Totally unfair, but that wasn't even a thought in my mind at the time. I was just feeling lost, and I wanted him to come find me .. to lead me home. I just got up and he stopped spanking me. I withdrew. He tried to ask me what was wrong and I couldn't give him an answer. It sounded so stupid in my head, 'you weren't spanking me hard enough, you weren't serious...' and I certainly couldn't say "I need a spanking."
Later on, when the baby was having his second nap, he started asking me what I needed.
I looked at him seriously and said, "I can't say it." I was texting with a friend while he was talking to me.
"You can tell me." he insisted.
I shook my head.
He leaned over to see who I was texting with. He told me to tell her he said Merry Christmas.
I added "J says Merry Christmas" at the end of the text I was sending in reply.
She knew that he wanted my attention (she's a dd wife too, after all) and we ended our conversation.
Even though I really didn't want to, honestly thought I couldn't, he made me tell him what I needed. Not just once, but he made me repeat myself because I 'wasn't speaking loud enough'.
"What do you need?" he'd asked. "Tell me."
Finally, I whispered, "A spanking."
"What?" he asked.
"I just said it!" I cried, feeling my face flush bright red.
"I didn't hear you, it wasn't loud enough."
"A spanking," I said, just a little louder.
"You need a spanking?" he asked, grabbing my bum.
I nodded, avoiding eye contact. I was so embarassed.
"What do you want me to use?" he wanted to know.
I didn't want to choose. I didn't want control over anything. I told him, "Whatever you want to use."
He went to the drawer, and picked out the five fingered strap and the naughty spatula. He sat in his computer chair, and motioned for me to come to him. At my whimpered protests, he shook his head and repeated himself, more firmly.
The spanking started over his knee, with the naughty spatula. After a while this postion became harder to hold, and he had me bend over the arm of the loveseat. He continued for a bit with the spatula, then moved on to the five fingered strap.
I did not take this spanking gracefully. I had to be told many times to move my hands. I cried out, begged him to stop. It hurt, but it wasn't bringing me to the place I needed to be.
He talked to me, and asked me questions. He made me answer. Finally, after what seemed like forever, he said, "Twenty more of each." He delivered them firmly.
When he'd finished, I was in that stage just before crying. I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but a lot of times before I actually cry, I "dry cry"...which means I'm basically crying, but there are no tears. I haven't fully let go. I lifted my head and watched him go to the drawer to put the implements away. I started to get up when I saw him pulling something else out .. the black strap. I whimpered. "Are you serious?"
He looked at me, very serious indeed. "I think you need more."
I buried my head, and thought I would cry right then. My butt already hurt and I didn't want any more.
"Am I wrong?" he asked, bringing the strap down on my sore bum.
I cried out, kicking my legs.
He repeated himself, then added, "Answer me."
"No sir," I answered softly, tears filling my eyes.
He got down to business then, setting my backside on fire. He told me a couple times to keep my hands out of the way, then eventually pinned them behind my back with one hand while he strapped me. At one point he paused to pull my pants down.
I started sobbing, and pulled my hand free, covering my burning cheeks.
Thankfully, he stopped, and walked away to put the strap back. When he came back to me, he pulled me to a standing position and into his strong arms. "I love you baby," he murmured. "Are you okay?"
"Yes sir, I love you too." I answered quietly through my tears. I cried for a few minutes, and felt much, much better afterward. I curled up on the bed, and he laid down beside me.
"Was that what you needed?" he asked.
I nodded. I was slightly embarassed, but I wanted to tell him anything he wanted to know.
"What was it that did it, the little extra at the end to just set you over?"
"I guess.."
He held me, and hugged me, and kissed me. He told me how much he loves me. Then he showed me just how much he loves me. Reminded me that I belong to him, and he to me. It was just the reset that I needed.
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