Things Are Different Now

     When I began writing this blog, I was in the process of telling J about my desire to be spanked/disciplined. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I had an idea in my mind of what our relationship would look like .. of how he should lead. (typing and then reading that sentence literally makes me cringe.) I wanted him to be strict and to fully take control. I didn't want sex to be mixed in...that bothered me a lot. I felt like I needed only non-sexual dominance from him.
      Looking back at where we began on this journey, and seeing where we are now, amazes me. We have changed, yes ... grown, yes. If you had asked me then if I could see us where we are now, I would have firmly answered no. I have discovered a lot about myself, and my submissive desires/needs. Many of the things I thought I wanted then, I no longer want....just as many of the things I crave and enjoy now, turned me off then.
     Our dynamic has shifted in a major way, and the difference is unbelievable. I am no longer bothered when spanking is mixed with more intimate activities. It randomly occurred to me that I should not be bothered by the ways he chooses to enforce his dominance. That's his decision. I now welcome his sexual dominance, and let me tell you .. has he grown! If you have been reading since the beginning, or close to it, you know that J used to be afraid of "hurting me", he didn't like to leave marks, didn't want to make me cry ... remember that? Now, he pinches and twists my nipples, and demands that I keep my hands above my head, and still, while he does it. He'll slap extremely sensitive body parts, and then smile with pleasure when I cry out. He knows how much it turns me on, and it turns him on too. He makes me tell him WHEN I come if I play with myself when he's not home, and I believe him when he threatens consequences if I don't.
     A few months ago, I joined tumblr, and I made some friends who live in Daddy/babygirl relationships. After reading and viewing their blogs for a bit, I began to fall in love with the idea of J being my Daddy. I couldn't believe how much it resembled the way we naturally interact with each other. It took me quite a while to confess this to J. Despite how right it felt, at the same time it seemed wrong. How could I be turned on at the mere thought of calling J "Daddy," or him calling me "little girl"? Would J think I was some kind of freak? There were literally hundreds of times when the word was sitting there on the edge of my tongue, begging to be uttered, and I swallowed them back, afraid of what his response might be. Then one day, I allowed myself to say it...and you know what? He didn't think I was some kind of freak. He didn't really react to it at all, it was as if I'd called him by his name.
     From that point on, I decided it was okay to let my "little girl" out. I can't even tell you how much happier and how free I feel. The more I let that part of myself show, the more J grew into the "Daddy" role.  I eventually did confess my desire for it, even though it was pretty obvious by that point. His response? No surprise to me, babygirl. I love you so much.
     This all happened a while ago, but I haven't really had the words to write about it. I think part of me was a little hesitant to talk about it because it was going so good and I didn't want to jinx it. Another part was a little worried that my readers wouldn't want to return. The content of this blog is probably going to change a bit. I would not say that we are a DD couple. While discipline is still used, and I would be punished if I disobeyed or did something disrespectful/dishonest etc .. we are more D/s than DD. I have enjoyed the interaction with other DD bloggers, and I hope that they won't shy away from my blog now that recounting events will include some bdsm instead of mainly spanking.