Taking it Seriously and Having Fun

     If you read my last post, you know that the discipline dynamic is very important to me. Knowing that he is there to pull me up by the bootstraps if I fall short, to correct me and guide me in the right direction is something, quite frankly, that I need.
     J is very easy going and laid back, and I'm pretty well behaved ;) so there's very little need for punishment ... which is the way I like it. However, it's sometimes hard to still feel connected to that dynamic when he's not asserting his control and imposing discipline. 
     Which is why we first implemented maintenance. Over the last few months, though, as J has found more pleasure in the erotic side of D/s and spanking, the tone had somewhat shifted. Maintenance all but disappeared and in its place came sexy good girl spankings and lots of play time. I could feel the shift taking place but I didn't see a problem with it. I so love my good girl spankings!! Over a little more time, though, it was becoming increasingly clear to me that I was not okay with it. Not that I wanted any less sexy time, but I found myself craving the discipline. Because of this, I was acting out and pulling an attitude and it took some time for me to figure out thats what was going on.
     I wrote a post on our private blog about the way things have been going. I wrote about all the growth I've seen in both of us, and how much I love and appreciate all he does. I explained about maintenance and how I was feeling torn between loving my good girl attentions and needing the discipline. I asked if we could make it more formal and structured, to turn it back into a more serious affair rather than something playful. Yeah, you could call me crazy.  
     Once he'd had a chance to read the novel...I mean blog post....he apologized for letting it get so lax, and agreed to make it more structured again.
     I realized, while I was in deep thinking mode, that J had never agreed that discipline was something that he wanted. I mean, he's grown into his role so well that I'd forgotten that small detail.
     Obviously, he agreed to it. But he admitted from the get-go that he was doing it for me.
     This was never something that thrilled me, but it was something that I could live with. I believed deep down that he would realize how wonderful it was for us and that he would change his mind about it. Like I said, he grew into his role...and I was convinced that he was on board, that he was benefiting as well. Last weekend, he said something after a spanking that made me question all of the progress we've made. To be fair, he hadn't meant it the way I took it. It doesn't matter. The point is, I suddenly was very concerned with whether he wanted this or not. It took me awhile to work up the courage to ask, but his response was exactly what I needed to hear.

     We have also been exploring the sexual side of D/s, and having a lot of fun with it. I am greatly enjoying what it is bringing out in both of us. As J's confidence and dominance grows in the bedroom, I feel it strengthen outside of the bedroom as well. Life is good :)