From Hard Times Comes Growth

     We moved, and we survived! It was a hectic weekend, it ended up raining on Saturday so we had to change plans around a bit and move all the furniture Sunday instead. On Saturday I also went to a babyshower, ran some other errands, and we went to an engagement party that night...on top of moving some of the smaller stuff. I had been promised a good girl spanking, and there was supposed to be maintenance. Both got overlooked. When a spanking actually took place, there was a huge miscommunication which led to me feeling very confused and upset about the spanking I'd received. I got extremely upset and then J got confused. I couldn't talk about it that night, and I wrote him the next day, explaining why I had been so upset. I took my time writing it, taking care to be gentle with my words. I praised him and I opened up fully, in a way that I felt was respectful and loving. My intention was not to be critical, but just to help him understand why I was feeling the way I did. I was actually proud of myself when I'd finished. I sat beside him on the couch while he read it, and at one point, I looked over and saw a tear rolling down his cheek.
     WHAT!? I started crying immediately, and laid my head on his chest. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. I felt so awful that sometihng I'd said had made him cry! When I'd tried sooo hard to make it not hurtful.
     He didn't say anything. Now, if you knew my husband in real life, you would understand why this was so confusing and a bit heart wrenching for me. He never has nothing to say. He sat there in silence, with my head on his chest, while the tears rolled down his cheeks. When he realized that I was crying too, he wrapped an arm around me, and we cried together.
     I looked up at him, hoping so hard that he would say something. A million horrible things were rushing through my mind, You're too much work, you're too needy. You're not worth the trouble. Maybe you're asking for something he just cannot give you. He doesn't want this life. He deserves to have a wife who is not so complicated. Finally, I couldn't take the silence any longer and I got up, heading for the bedroom. I realized I hadn't made a bottle for the baby yet (I always make one at night and leave it in the fridge because he wakes up around 5:30 looking for one, and thats just too darn early for me to be fumbling around making it, so I headed to the sink to prepare one. I heard J walk by, and the bathroom door close. He was in bed by the time I came to the bedroom. I climbed into the bed and as soon as I lay down I started crying again. I felt so, so awful, and I wished I hadn't said anything at all.
     He pulled me to him and I cried in his arms, but other than whispering "Shh, its okay sweetie," he still said nothing.
     I drew away from him and curled up on my side of the bed, but I couldn't sleep. I cried and cried and cried. The baby was up most of the night, and I ended up sleeping on the couch in between being up with him.

     The next day I was very fragile. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I felt so upset that J was hurt, and possibly mad at me (he wasn't, but I was worried that he was).
     At one point I told him I wished I hadn't written to him about it, and he told me that it had hurt him, but that it was okay. I shook my head, and told him it wasn't okay, that I didn't want to hurt him. He told me that I'm supposed to tell him how I'm feeling. Our conversation was cut short there but we talked again later. He confessed that he often feels like he doesnt do anything right when it comes to DD. That made me feel horrible, because I try to make a point of telling him how happy and content I am (when I am). He told me he loves me, and that he didn't want it to be dwelled on, and he didn't want to see me upset. We talked about maintenance, and I suggested unscheduling it. He was all for it, for a few reasons. I think it will be good for us .

     We are good now. Better than good. We're back to ourselves, and that's great.
     This morning, I sent him a text (he's working the day shift today) saying this is your decision. how do you want this to work? am I supposed to tell you when I'm starting to feel out of control, or are you going to give me maintenance when you feel like it's necessary?
     Both. Sometimes I can tell when you need it, but other times I cant.
     Here's where I maybe might have lost my sanity for just a minute. Okay. ps. I will most likely deny telling you this if you bring it up but if you think I need one, and I tell you that I dont...that usually means I REEAALLY need one, and I'm at a point where I've half convinced myself I'll be fine if I'm never spanked again.
      Sounds like u need one.
      I'm not going to lie. I was a little surprised to see that response, as I wasn't trying to hint at needing one or anything...but when I started to write that I didn't, I realized that he was right. Several times, I started typing a response and I had to erase it and start over. I almost joked about it. I wanted to ask how he knew...what I'd said or done that gave me away. In the end, I settled on yes sir. It was actually really hard for me to do away with the silly banter and jokes, all that stuff that lightens it up and admit that yes, I need a spanking. A few texts later, I told him I love you so much, and the response I got brought tears to my eyes. Not because it was romantic, or sweet (though it WAS those things), but because it was true.
     I live to love you.

     He really does. No matter what happens, or the things that come between us. He loves me, more than anything in the whole world, and wants me to be happy. How lucky am I?